Friday, July 15, 2005

Evil Glenn's Book: A Filthy Lie 

I was waiting in line outside the bookshop, when I noticed that all of a sudden, there appeared to be not one, but two queues for Harry Potter. People were leaving my line, and going across the street instead. I assumed that some rogue had stolen a few copies, and since I have no scruples of any kind, I joined them.

Imagine my surprise when I heard cries of, "Harry Potter is an affront to Christianity!" ringing in my ears. "Harry Potter will corrupt the hearts and souls of young Americans!" was twice as surprising, as I live in England. Curiouser and curiouser..

I heard him before I saw him.

"Only £4.99 per copy. If you would be so kind as to provide your name and address for our mailing list... If you are currently "between residences", we really want to know.."

Evil Glenn!

"What the hell are you up to this time, you demonic bloodsucking lawy.."

"Author", he replied smoothly. "I am merely promoting my new book. We live in an increasingly secular society. The young people, they have no religion, so I've published the Holy Bible - The Authorized King of the Blogosphere Version."

I picked up a copy, and flicked through it in horror.

"Oh, you evil bastard! It's the regular Bible written backwards. Verse for verse. You Satanic monster! Why?"

"I would have thought that was quite obvious", he replied. "I wanted a happy ending, with an entire race in servitude once more. But it's not quite chapter and verse. I've made a few, uh, revisions. For instance, I don't hold with a literal interpretation of Genesis. In my version Adam is tempted by a penguin, and naturally rejects Eve for a more, hmm, fulfilling relationship. Cain gets himself Michael Jackson's team lawyers, "God" reversed is "dog"; they drink blended puppy at that wedding in Cana, and dance the robot. Oh yeah, and that so-called "traveler" I beat bloody doesn't get rescued by a Samaritan."

"You wicked man! Your blasphemy knows no bounds!" I was shocked to the very core.

Evil Glenn looked hurt.

"I have a great belief in the power of Faith to bring All Humanity together as One. Devil Worship, Islam, Creationism, Voters for Hillary...They're all the same to me. As long as the Jewish people have no true homeland, I'm happy, because technically...

I was so angry, I started beating him about the head with his books.

"So you're the one responsible for the trouble in the Middle East, you.."

"Oh, Indeed! I notice the bookstore has closed. Perhaps you would like a signed copy of my book, instead? And as you're sure to tell The Alliance about this encounter, you may attract a certain type of person. I could use a few fanatics with no sense of humor. Pass them on to me, will you?"

Then he swooped off into the night, crying out "Dumbledore snuffs it! Happy Reading!"

PS: I am not going to tell you if that is true or not. I posted this last night, when nobody had the book.

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