Saturday, July 30, 2005

Evil Glenn and the Blogcrawl: A Filthy Lie 

The alarm clock glowed softly. Three in the morning. What had woken me from my drunken slumber? Ah, thirst. Thirst and, nausea. Well that wasn't surprising considering...

Vowing never to drink alcohol again, I reached blindly for my cup of water. Oh, sweet nectar... I took a large gulp.


I made it to the bathroom with seconds to spare. Amidst the sound of my heaving, I became aware of a faint chuckle coming from the darkened hallway. An oddly familiar chuckle..

"Evil Glenn! You utter bastard. What was in that cup? Blended puppy?"

"Oh, no. Indeed, not. Do you think I would waste it? I was merely trying to do you a favor. You were asleep, and the blogcrawl is going on without you."

Clearly, Evil Glenn's perception of time and space had become deeply warped during the last 212 years of his life, so I didn't bother trying to explain.

"But why did you try to poison me, Glenn? If it wasn't.. then.. Oh! You switched cups didn't you? That was the leftover wine from last night that I was too sick to finish, and you made me drink it when I was half asleep! You monster!"

"That's bartender, to you. And it's not as if I'm the first person to pull that stunt, is it? Hmm? Remember your ex?"

I'd forgotten about that. I hoped he hadn't pissed in my bathwater, and come to think of it, where was my toothbrush?

"How do you manage to cross the Atlantic, Glenn? You're always here giving me grief. I thought large bodies of water were right out for your sort?"

"Oh, I use The Underground. Not your puny London network. I would look too suspicious. It's the opera cloak that does it, I think. Plus, my complexion is kind of sallow... No. I use this system. Much more efficient.

"Wonderful. Now if you would kindly piss off and let me get to the fridge.."

"You call that a fridge? Why it's hardly big enough to store even one hobo! And how on earth do you manage without internet access? You want to get yourself one of these.

In fact, I'm off to join the blogcrawl myself. I can post and puree simultaneously with this baby. I'll just make sure I've woken your daughter, and I'll be off. Happy hangover! Hahahahaha!"

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Friday, July 29, 2005

My Computer Hates Me 

I tried to make my own, sidebar button but this happened!

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Great minds, and all that.. 

Sir Peter to join The Alliance?

This is the funniest PGH assignment I have ever seen.

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

It's Sunday... 

..so it's time for Karnival of the Kidz! This week's hostess is Jody, of Iowa Geek.

Here's Tara wearing two of her birthday presents. I am looking forward to the "tomboy" stage with every passing day.

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Her hair looks odd. That's because it's in a ponytail, and the picture is at a strange angle.

I'm not sure why she looks so sombre. Any ideas?

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Friday, July 22, 2005

We don't call them "bombers", in our family. 

I do hope that many of you have not been repeatedly submitted to the atrocity that is, "Annie!". We, however are having to cope with the poxy DVD being on constantly, as Tara is involved in a summer workshop production, and needs to learn the lyrics: "It's the hard on life", is a bad habit that she needs to break. Fast. (She is having trouble with the American accents)

We were at my parents house today, and she was talking them through the story, whilst showing them the bits she knows. It got to the scene in Oliver Warbuck's office, where the intrepid "Sandy" saves him from assassination.

Our attention was momentarily distracted as we started to discuss something in the newspaper, when she yelled:

"Look! You all have to watch this bit. Some bastard's trying to blow them up!"


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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

You, the Jury 

Thank you for your kind response to my previous post. Sorry that there were two different issues in there. With me, anger is the enemy of clarity. I will address the most important one here. Do I make the call to request support for the family? I have tried, and I have failed to get the parents of the child, and my parents to take my concerns seriously. As you know, due to my own daughter's condition, I will almost certainly be investigated at some point, but I am glad that these things are in place.

We all make mistakes as parents. Of course we do. It goes with the job. If I toss out a few examples, please give me your thoughts on what is, or is not "okay".

1. The family had a cat when "Jane" fell pregnant. That seems to be alright if you follow precautions, but not only did Jane not take those precautions, she decided, against my advice to take in a new, untrained kitten weeks before giving birth.

2. The child was a day old, and I was visiting. He had been sleeping for eight hours. I tried to explain that he needed to be fed, but was told by some friends of Jane's that he would wake up when he was hungry. My argument that he was sleeping because he was rapidly losing energy fell on stony ground.

3. At the age of three weeks, the child slept all night leaning back wards in this, which I am sure is not safe or suitable for a floppy newborn.

Hell, Tara slept in her car seat for the first few days, but she was still "uncurling". If she had vomited in her sleep, she would not have choked. Anyway, I was still at the mad stage of holding a mirror against her mouth every few minutes!

4. Just last week, I was shopping with Jane, and she put her baby in the back ward's leaning "infant carrier" seat. "Are you crazy?" I said. "He's been sitting up for months, and has been asleep in the car for the past three hours. Put him in the regular seat. No. Do not tell me he doesn't like it. I brought him here two days ago, and he loved it!"

5. The kid can roll. That's one thing he can do. He could roll for England, and has been rolling for months and months. We all get caught out reaching for a diaper and realizing that our babies have suddenly mastered the skill. So why leave a baby who has been rolling for months unattended on a changing table? Maybe the cats needed feeding. Who knows? I hope it was worth a lifelong scar on the forehead.

6. I am banned from giving the child bits of fruit and vegetables because it "makes him go". Of course it bloody well does, because his system isn't used to them. His lunch consists of some sort of processed meat on white bread and a packet of potato chips every day. No cheese, eggs, or fish ever. He is not allowed a drink with his meal, in case he fills up on it. Fair enough, but if you let him have a little to help wash his food down, he is hardly going to get up and chase you for it, is he? At night he eats the same things as his parents do. (Need you ask?)

7. He will sit quite happily in a dirty diaper. I guess it is a case of having to. I once held out for a whole two hours before doing the job myself. Jane was unconcerned because he wasn't yelling. By her reasoning, I suppose that made it alright. As long as you put cream on the rash, and can blame me for the soreness because I gave him a bit of peeled apple..

8. Jane plays darts two nights a week. Heaven forbid she should change her lifestyle for a baby! Two nights a week he goes with her, strapped into his car seat in a hot smoky pub till eleven at night.

I used to be in the habit of going to pubs and clubs a couple of times a week. Strangely enough, I gave this up, because I had the bizarre feeling that it was actually my baby that came first.

9. Talking of smoking, I am no saint. When Tara was born, I smoked. I smoked outdoors, or hanging out of the the window on whichever storey she wasn't sleeping on. These two have both smoked in the car, windows closed, since day one. He has a permanent wheeze. Tara has had one cough in five years, and has not been sick since Boxing Day.

10. One of the family's friends was recently paid a visit by a social worker. Jane was protesting the unfairness of the fact that she had been given no warning! "Her eldest opened the door, and it was bad luck that the visitor saw the baby eating out of the dog's bowl, and she hadn't had a chance to clean up the cat's mess that the other one was smearing on the walls. She was watching a DVD, so she didn't know. And she was hungover.." Argghhh!

11. "Why are you smacking his hand?" Because it will teach him not to bang his head against the wooden floor, apparently. Never mind that if he were to be given a toy or book, (he loves books) now and again, he might not feel the need..

12. The child has odd, curved feet. I am sure they have been deformed. What is the word for the opposite of the soles? The roof of the feet? He has been in "proper big boys sneakers" since birth. Surely, no matter how cute a kid is, they do not need, or want restrictive footwear before they can walk. You would think that a crucial element of teaching a child to walk would be to let them explore their toes and feet. This gorgeous kid can barely put his feet flat on the ground. Tara was born during a heatwave in June. She didn't own a pair of shoes until she could walk, seven months later, and it was winter by then.

I could go on. These are only some examples that have sprung to mind as I am writing this. The thing is, "Jane" and her husband are not bad people, but they are ignorant, and chronically selfish. I have recently begun to suspect that it is God's Will that the kid isn't moving around. Their house is full of dangerous clutter that they will not get rid of. They are talking of building a pond in their garden. I must admit, I clutched my heart at that news.

So. Again, do I make the call?

*SIGH* I need a "rants" category, I really do.

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Monday, July 18, 2005

..and they say Americans are geographically challenged? I do not think so. 

Those closer to me will know that this has been bothering me for a week or more, but I would like to get your opinion.

I was watching the weather forecast with a *cough* close family member, and a map of Western Europe appeared. Not only could this person not identify Spain, France, Italy or Ireland, but she also failed to recognize England, and where we are located in the country.

I was astonished. How can you get to the age of thirty, and not know that?

This person has a driver's license, and a baby who is permanently strapped into a car-seat. The child cannot pull himself up from a laying, to a sitting position, let alone walk. He is 16 months old. His legs are strong enough to bear his weight, but he has no muscle in his waist and back. No balance to speak of. He is as mutilated as little Chinese girls with bound feet.

Am I right to be worried, or should I accept that, "People don't have to be constantly learning things. Why should they have books in their house? They just want to live their lives. Not everyone is like you".

I would argue that people do need to learn. I was most amused to hear that the most financially successful of my ex-neighbors booked a dream holiday to Florida for his family, and missed the flight because his ticket said 0500 hours, and he arrived at the airport at five in the afternoon.

Please give me your two cents. If I didn't live with Alex, I would swear the world is going madder than ever.

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Having Fun 

I got the cool tool from Ogre. Thanks, Ogre!

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

Harry Potter and the "No, I am bloody well not writing it myself" 

I have just finished the sixth book, and it was as pedestrian a read as the last two. For me, the "magic" stopped at book three, which I am convinced, was the last one written by Joanna Rowling. After that, the merchandising and movie money was rolling in, so, really? Why would she want to sit down and actually write?

The books were conceived as one story, and she admits she thinks of each one as just a chapter, but this latest was a mere paragraph in my opinion. For all the hype, it serves only to set up the events of the last book. And if you think I am just bitter because I couldn't write it, you are wrong. Maybe I couldn't, but every single person I read daily in the blogosphere, could have done a better job than "Team Rowling". Perhaps I have been spoiled, but I go to your sites and see writing infused with such utter charm, that the straightforward storytelling-by-numbers in this latest book had me bored to tears.

There was so much "spice" in the first three novels. Literary / religious allusion, allegory, symbolism, a good working knowledge of politics in it's truest sense: In short, well-crafted writing that appealed to children and adults alike. I thought of them as being like "The Simpsons", in that they were essentially multi-dimensional, working on various levels of comprehension. Now that they are being written on the advice of marketing experts and focus group PR people, "The Chronicles of Narnia", they are not!

I have never bothered to re-read books four or five, as I know I will not discover anything "new" in them. I believe that decent literature compels the faithful reader to learn it's secrets. I studied the Greek epics between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, and every time I read them, I find something I had not noticed before.

The first three Potter books were like that. I read about the illegal curses in book three, for instance: "Imperious", and "crucio" spoke for themselves, but the killing curse, the "Avada Kedavra", now makes me giggle every time I see it on the page. Indeed, I am sure there are many people who didn't even recognise it as a pun on, "Abracadabra!" .When people get murdered, I have to laugh, because the word has long been associated with the crappiest "magicians" ever!

The only "topical"(how I despise that word), subject this book addresses, is the vastly crude analogy r.e Draco Malfoy and Suicide Bombers. Young, impressionable, arrogant, vulnerable and ignorant.

The later books lack style, certainly, but will that stop people buying them? Of course not. I'll buy the last one in order to read the conclusion of the story, as will billions of others. And I don't blame J.K at all. The series was her idea. Why shouldn't she be perfectly content with her wonderful husband, little children, and castles in Scotland etc... I would do the same thing. She had the commercial "business" brain to know that boys don't read about female heroines, by female authors but girls don't discriminate. She wrote in masses of product. Good luck to her.

I just hate the dumbing down of the last books. I really do. I miss the cleverness, and the humor. That our children will read them, and won't be able to come back to them and discover something that links with their further studies.

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Friday, July 15, 2005

Evil Glenn's Book: A Filthy Lie 

I was waiting in line outside the bookshop, when I noticed that all of a sudden, there appeared to be not one, but two queues for Harry Potter. People were leaving my line, and going across the street instead. I assumed that some rogue had stolen a few copies, and since I have no scruples of any kind, I joined them.

Imagine my surprise when I heard cries of, "Harry Potter is an affront to Christianity!" ringing in my ears. "Harry Potter will corrupt the hearts and souls of young Americans!" was twice as surprising, as I live in England. Curiouser and curiouser..

I heard him before I saw him.

"Only £4.99 per copy. If you would be so kind as to provide your name and address for our mailing list... If you are currently "between residences", we really want to know.."

Evil Glenn!

"What the hell are you up to this time, you demonic bloodsucking lawy.."

"Author", he replied smoothly. "I am merely promoting my new book. We live in an increasingly secular society. The young people, they have no religion, so I've published the Holy Bible - The Authorized King of the Blogosphere Version."

I picked up a copy, and flicked through it in horror.

"Oh, you evil bastard! It's the regular Bible written backwards. Verse for verse. You Satanic monster! Why?"

"I would have thought that was quite obvious", he replied. "I wanted a happy ending, with an entire race in servitude once more. But it's not quite chapter and verse. I've made a few, uh, revisions. For instance, I don't hold with a literal interpretation of Genesis. In my version Adam is tempted by a penguin, and naturally rejects Eve for a more, hmm, fulfilling relationship. Cain gets himself Michael Jackson's team lawyers, "God" reversed is "dog"; they drink blended puppy at that wedding in Cana, and dance the robot. Oh yeah, and that so-called "traveler" I beat bloody doesn't get rescued by a Samaritan."

"You wicked man! Your blasphemy knows no bounds!" I was shocked to the very core.

Evil Glenn looked hurt.

"I have a great belief in the power of Faith to bring All Humanity together as One. Devil Worship, Islam, Creationism, Voters for Hillary...They're all the same to me. As long as the Jewish people have no true homeland, I'm happy, because technically...

I was so angry, I started beating him about the head with his books.

"So you're the one responsible for the trouble in the Middle East, you.."

"Oh, Indeed! I notice the bookstore has closed. Perhaps you would like a signed copy of my book, instead? And as you're sure to tell The Alliance about this encounter, you may attract a certain type of person. I could use a few fanatics with no sense of humor. Pass them on to me, will you?"

Then he swooped off into the night, crying out "Dumbledore snuffs it! Happy Reading!"

PS: I am not going to tell you if that is true or not. I posted this last night, when nobody had the book.

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I still like the car even though it tried to kill me. 

We had to pick up some things from PC World this evening, and because it was "meet your child's new teacher" evening, we had to go after that. I hate PC World. I hate hate hate it. As you know, I know sod all about computers, and Alex knows lots. It is never a quick trip to that place because Alex knows the relative merits of different pieces of kit, and will make deliberations, whereas, before I met him, I would just march in there and buy the most expensive whatever-I-needed that I could afford and that was that.

This evening, I wisely brought a book along, and decided to wait in the car as he got out with Tara. She doesn't mind PC World, as there are lots of swivel chairs she can play on.

They had only just gone into the store, and it was hot outside. The windows were closed so I went to open the door for some air.

It didn't open.

The door handle was locked. I completely panicked. I don't like enclosed spaces at the best of times, and the prospect of being shut in a metal box for at least thirty minutes terrified me.

I broke into a sweat as I registered that Alex had not left the keys in the car. I had no heavy object with which to smash the windows, and nobody was around.

I tried the window catch, but it wouldn't budge, probably because my hand was shaking, and slippery. Nobody around, still.

By now, I was clammy and starting to just gulp the oxygen in the car, even though I knew that wasn't a smart thing to do. I couldn't help it. I prayed someone would come by and I would be in a fit state to yell at them to get help.

I was in that state for ten minutes, although it felt like hours... wondering how long the oxygen would last, and not wanting to waste energy shouting at nobody.

Luckily, I tried the door again, and this time it opened. I got out and leant against the car breathing the sweet air.

Chances are, another five minutes and I would have been breaking my head on the window trying to escape.

I don't like confined spaces, but I can deal with them if there is a way out.

What are your fears, or moments of utter panic?

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Sunday, July 10, 2005

Evil Glenn?! 

We saw this in Tesco's yesterday.

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Needless to say, we didn't buy any..

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Friday, July 08, 2005

I've been blown up by a better class of bastard than this.. 

Allow me to stop [heavy sarcasm] burning with "terror, panic and fear" long enough to share this with you. Received via email: (Updated: More from the original message)

First New York, then Madrid, then London. I certainly won't be visiting Paris or Moscow for a while as the bombers are clearly picking off cities who wish to hold the 30th Olympics.

I am sure it was Osama Bin Laden, because he is a spoilt rich cunt who has never ever been on the tube or a bus in his life, and therefore does not know that it is already a fucking awful experience riding on public transport. I know Osama lives in a hole or a cave now but he travels around on a litter carried by dwarves, with outriders on bejeweled camels and very expensive tanks and spy planes, and probably quite enjoys his daily trip to work. He does not have an oyster card, the cunt.

Those terrorists are fucking losers, do they not know that blowing people up in a shitty place has far less impact than blowing them up in a pub, like the IRA used to do, or maybe blowing up a video game arcade, or a cricket match? If you really want to piss people off, terrorists, blow them up and spoil their fun, do not "spoil" their commute as commuting is very shit and boring anyway.

I am quite sure that these low- quality terrorists planned for all the bombs to go off at the same time, at Kings Cross station, for a huge great walloping exploding terror attack.

Those trains were all heading in the direction of King's Cross and so was the bus, and the bombs all went off fairly close together. Imagine a sick and evil version of Guy Fawkes night, with two circle line trains colliding in flames, effectively blocking the exit of the whole station (as the circle line is nearest to the surface. A few minutes later the Piccadilly line train (deep,deep down) explodes, sandwiching all the passengers in a blazing pit, reminding all London of the terrible fire at Kings cross ages and ages ago (Fuck off I am not looking up when).

Finally a bus arrives outside the station and bursts in two littering the pavement with carcasses and metal shards as flames billow out from the earth racking up a far, far bigger death toll than the one they have actually achieved.

Now that all the good terrorists are either rotting in hell after 9/11, in jail having their fingernails pulled out or hiding like pathetic rats, Osama has to ask people who are deeply ungifted at bombing. Any terrorist worth his salt would not use fucking London Transport to get bombs into the same place, would they. For Fuck's sake! What cretins. Terrorists are losing their panache. Shock and awe my arsehole. C minus, you useless terrorist cunts.

Fucking Amateur Night, wasn't it? He's right. Cretins.

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

But on the plus side.. 

..I have been somewhat appeased by this sweet headline.

And Mr Chirac? We don't like French food either. Snails and frogs legs are bad enough. You go too far putting mayo on fries. Too damn far...

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Something "new" for dinner? 

Search results.


Careless typing may cause you to fall off your chair laughing:

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Mmmm... Sounds delicious! Shame about the lack of sweetcorn, though..

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Monday, July 04, 2005

The Karnival has legs! 

Little ones, admittedly, but we're up to number eleven! This week, our brave hostess is Michele, of Letters from NYC,and it's great. Thank you, blog-sis!

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Tara saw the Bashir documentary about Michael Jackson when it was first broadcast. Well, it was on one evening when she decided that three hours sleep was quite enough, thank you, and had sidled downstairs without me knowing. She didn't see much of it, but it was enough to keep her up a further three hours.

"I didn't like that scary man", she cried. "Who was that?". "That was Michael Jackson", I replied. And not being one to miss an amusing parenting opportunity, I subsequently said that if she ever wandered away from the adult in charge, then Michael Jackson was sure to come and get her.

It seemed funny at the time, but it led to quite an embarrassing conversation with her pre-school teacher, so I stopped mentioning it. Now, I think, she has forgotten.

If this is true, let it be the latter!

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Sunday, July 03, 2005

Kids Do The Most Terrifying Things. 

You would think that even Tara wouldn't be able to corrupt Jiglets, wouldn't you?

I walked past the fridge ten times yesterday before noticing this:

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What? You lying fucker! 

I had just started to calm down about this, but he wouldn't let it lie. (no pun intended)

Mr Blair said: "I think London's bid is fantastic, we're really proud of it.

"It's got the support of the British people, of all the political parties, and the country's right behind it."

Is that so? Okay..

1. When was the last time Mr Blair was stuck in London traffic trying to get his child to hospital before she bled to death? No one wants even more of it!It's bad enough that commuters have to pay The Congestion Charge to get to work in the first place.

2. London has enough foreigners in it already. Thanks to Mr Blair's wonderful immigration policy, 1% of the country is an illegal immigrant. One in one hundred! You kept that quiet until after the election, didn't you?

3. I don't like Europeans. I didn't not fight in two World Wars for them to come over here and piss me off, the arrogant bastards. Italians are alright, because they are good looking, and invented pizza, but the rest of them can fuck off.

4. Who will foot the bill? Me. And all the other people I know who are certainly not "right behind it". Council Tax will go up, and my friends in town can barely pay their outrageous mortgages as it is.

5. In case you hadn't noticed, we are at War. The G8 Summit is next week, and you think this is an acceptable way to spend your time? Bollocks.

6. This will be the biggest waste of money since The Millennium Dome. Alex told me that the steaming pile of shite that it is, is biodegradable. Is that true? Jesus Wept! It wouldn't surprise me.

7. Where are my meds?

8. How long can you make Tony's nose? Try it. It's very therapeutic. You can do Mr Bush, too, if so inclined.

For the record, I'm not "anti-Blair". There are worse out there. Much worse. But to totally ignore the wishes of your people, and then to publicly lie about it really fucking annoys me.

Live 8 was a surprisingly positive event for us yesterday. So many people promoting fair, free trade...a given, I should think in any democracy, and where is Tony? Doing fucking publicity!

(Apologies for the language. Blame the BBC. No, I'm not drunk. Not yet, anyway.)

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