Monday, December 27, 2004

Evil Glenn's New Year - A Filthy Lie 

I decided to take Tara to The Tower of London, as a New Year's treat. After arguing in a somewhat futile manner that I was not a tourist, but an already overtaxed citizen, I paid half a year's salary and was admitted by the cashier. I was on my way to show Tara The Crown Jewels, which, by the way, Harvey, are not what you think they are, when I heard a familiar voice behind me:

Evil Glenn: So. Where are the prisoners then?

Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. The Tower hasn't housed prisoners for quite a few years now...

Evil Glenn: What do you mean? It wasn't that long ago that I came to see those two tender charming boys! I remember that occasion as if it were yesterday. Damn! And I came all this way. Is Newgate prison still around? I had some great times there!

Sally: I knew it was you, Evil Glenn! What in the name of all creation are you up to now, you sick f...

Evil Glenn: Prison Visitor!

Sally: What? Don't tell me this is another of your Charity Worker schemes!

Evil Glenn: Indeed. I've just come from San Quentin actually.

Sally: What were you doing there?

Evil Glenn: Well, for a start, I like to keep tabs on the prisoners who are about to be released. You know, like whether or not they have a place to stay after their release date. But that stuff's just for fun. You'd be amazed at the amount of business I can drum up at these places!

Sally: Business?

Evil Glenn: Oh yes! I do my best work visiting prisoners on Death Row. Sometimes I pretend to be a kindly Human Rights lawyer...

Sally: I thought you wanted to get Human Rights abolished?

Evil Glenn:...offering a full pardon on a "no death, no fee" basis. Then I get them to sign a contract selling their souls to Satan. If I'm in a good mood, I'll throw in an offer to get the injection needle sterilised.

Sally: I think I'm going to faint.

Evil Glenn: Condemned prisoners are also good for money. "You can't take it with you", I tell them. Then I convince them that it's in their best interest to pay Death Tax in advance. Works like a charm...

Sally: Is there no depravity towards which you won't stoop?

Evil Glenn: Funny you should mention that. As you can see from these pictures in my camera, I couldn't quite get under this penguin trapeze...

Sally: Gah! Officer!

Evil Glenn: You mean "Death-Eater"

Sally: Um, actually, I think you mean "Beefeater", Glenn.

Evil Glenn: Don't dare presume tell me what I mean, puny mortal! Your unrelenting quest for truth, honour and justice make the doctrines of Islaw unknowable to such a lowly creature as yourself.

Sally: Well you don't have much of a grasp of history, that's for sure, if you're asking if they still have prisoners here!

Evil Glenn: Rubbish! *Breaks into song*
Ohhhh! Buckingham Castle, The Tower of England!

Sally: Uh, Glenn? This is all pretty horrible stuff an all, but it hasn't got much to do with your New Year celebrations, does it? I mean, apart from the first line...

Evil Glenn: Indeed! I was hoping to distract you from my real diabolical plan with all this. Looks like it worked. Good luck next year! Take care of that dolphin you adopted on Boxing Day too.

And with that cryptic parting shot, Evil Glenn strangled all the ravens, and swooped off towards Traitor's Gate.

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