Friday, December 17, 2004

Evil Glenn's Christmas: A Festive Lie 

This Christmas Eve I decided to see if the local soup-kitchen needed any help. As I peered inside, I was slightly disturbed to see a huge banner, written in letters fifteen feet high. It proclaimed this edict:


There were already several beggars slumped unconscious beneath it. Hmmm...a little too much of the Christmas Spirit, I suspected...

I descended the stairs to the office I'd been assigned to, and encountered an imposing figure dressed in a top hat and opera cloak. It was tapping away at a keyboard, and it's voice was a sibilant whisper:

Evil Glenn: [Not turning to look at me] Ah, Pitiful Underling. You can start by shredding this abominable literature...you can use my new cordless blender.

Sally: [reading the leaflets] "How to Secure Permanent Accomodation - A Guide for the Homeless"

Evil Glenn: Or burn the filth...Whatever. Then you'll be working on the publicity for my new product.

Sally: Blenders? Abuse of defenceless small creatures? That's just plain...EVIL! And you're wearing sandals in England, in DECEMBER!

Evil Glenn: With woolly socks!

Sally: I know you! You're...

Evil Glenn: No. I'm afraid you're mistaken. My name is Sir Peter Maxwell.

Sally: Glenn! Would it really hurt you to tell the truth for once?

Evil Glenn: Indeed. I might as well not have gone to Law School!

Sally: So you are Glenn Reynolds!

Evil Glenn: I reserve the right to remain silen..

Sally: Go on! Plead the Fifth. Your dreadful deeds will come back to haunt you in this life or the next! Or the previous! Or the simultaneous, depending on what you believe about parallel universes...Oh, I forgot, you're immortal.

Evil Glenn: And I thought I had you fooled with my stealth-blogging as an English gentleman. But you had to link him, didn't you? Pesky, meddling Alliance member...

Sally: That was T1G! And what's that honking sound? It's coming from that filing cabinet over there...the drawer with the little yellow webbed thing trapped in...Oh, dear Lord!

Evil Glenn: Get the hell out of my office! And take that crippled penguin with you! It's no use to me, as the specialist market are all spending Christmas with their wives. Bah, humbug!

Later that night:

Glenn sits in his study sipping a warm glass of mulled O negative from his cellars dungeons. He savours the rich bouquet of the haemoglobin content, and gives thanks for the volunteer-work that ensures a steady stream of prey. His eyelids droop and...

[Enter the ghosts of hobos past]

Hobos: Ooohooooo! DING DING DING! Ooowoooooh! CLASH CLASH CLASH!

Evil Glenn: Hark! Is that the rattling of tin plates and cups I hear? Oh sweet music...

Hobos: Rey...nolds...! Rey...nol...ds! Our souls can not rest until our bodies lie in hallowed ground..

Evil Glenn: A cardboard box behind a dumpster was good enough for your rotten carcasses in Life. DEAL, for Chrissakes! I'm going back to sleep.


Frank J: Glenn? Hey, wake up!

Evil Glenn: Yes?

Frank J: I am the ghost of bloggers present. I want to make my peace with you. I feel terrible, Glenn! I told the blogosphere you blend puppies, worship Satan, sell government secrets to Commies...

Evil Glenn: Don't worry, Frank. I think I'm starting to realise what this is. Believe me, I'm learning.

Frank J: I'm so glad you said that. It's the season to be charitable and you're being given a unique opportunity to..

Evil Glenn: I know! Punch you again!

Frank J: Aaargh! B..y nos..d!

Evil Glenn: Muwhahahaha! This is the best Christmas Eve ever! I'll hold that image in my mind while I go back to sleep , if I may. Heh. Must remember to crash his server tomorrow.

[Later Still]

Evil Glenn: Wha..? I could have sworn I turned the T.V off.

C.N.N Broadcast: This is C.N.N, the Channel of the Future. Presidential Decree cites Trial by Lawyer as unconstitutional..

Evil Glenn: Objection!

C.N.N Broadcast: ...Pressure groups in alliance against the senseless killing of aquatic and marine creatures...

Evil Glenn: My lucrative dolphin snuff films!

C.N.N Broadcast: Finally on C.N.N, infamous blogger, and lawyer, Glenn Rey..

Evil Glenn: Charity Worker!!!

C.N.N Broadcast: ...is taking up retirement in Alaska...

Evil Glenn: Six months of daylight?! No way! And who the hell could I "help" with their "housing issues" up there? My freezer is already full. That reminds me. I need to buy more meat-hooks...

At this point, the ghosts of murdered hobos past, bloggers of the present, and channels of the future, gave up. Evil Glenn was clearly irredeemable.

But we knew that, anyway, didn't we, boys and girls?

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