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Monday, November 01, 2004


Colour me Guilty 

Yesterday I learned that there is something more gut-wrenching than seeing your child injured. It's when your own stupidity is the cause of it.

Sunday night. Usual back-to-school stuff. Including nail-clipping. Except in my case, she moved, and I managed to clip the end of her little finger instead. She screamed. A river of blood ensued, and, well. I just felt like the most worthless individual on the planet. Why hadn't I made sure I had more light? Why had I used clippers? Why hadn't I hunted down the blunt baby scissors? I was a wreck.

Luckily, I had Alex on hand. He went out after a long work day for more bandages. He helped me chop up her tablet,(I had no idea it was easier to crush it beneath the knife first. He must have been a dealer in a previous life! And I say previous, because he saw a lot of his friends f**k up with all that, and wouldn't touch it), and generally calmed me down. The man is a star! He even wrote this to cheer me up.

She started to get sleepy, then all I could do was call people to tell them how guilty I felt, while we waited for the meds to kick in. Boudicca was a recipient of a particularly wildly written e-mail because...because I just hated myself. There was the possibility that we'd have to spend the night in London with the little one hooked up to an I.V to stop the bleeding. And it was all my fault! Thankfully, it stopped an hour later.

But I still feel like shit. She's forgotten it. I'll be having nightmares about the look on her face till the day I die.

Have you ever inadvertantly hurt someone you loved?


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