Friday, October 15, 2004

Evil Glenn's Software - A Filthy Lie 

I took Tara to school this morning, and returned to find I didn't have my housekeys. Damn! It was raining too. I ran for shelter and called Alex. He said he'd be there in forty minutes. Half an hour later, I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eye. What? A bottle of Meths? It moved again, and I went to investigate. As I followed it round the corner I could see it was attached to a rotten piece of string and...GAH! Evil Glenn! Hobo - filleting knife at the ready.

Sally: YOU!

Evil Glenn: Oh Hello! I didn't recognise you without your labrador.

Sally: What? I don't have a dog.

Evil Glenn: Yeah, you do. Blonde, big eyes, about so high...

Sally: *sigh* That's my daughter.

Evil Glenn: Oh. It must be these damn sunglasses. My night - vision is excellent!

Sally: What are you doing out of your coffin at this hour?

Evil Glenn: I'm wearing factor 350+ sunscreen, plus it's kind of gloomy. That's why I thought you were a vagrant. I'd better give you your keys back. I've been letting myself in and leaving puddles on the floor, chewing stuff up, you know. I thought you might want the troublesome pup to go if...

Sally: We've been blaming Tara for all that! She missed out on a trip to...Oh, you've hit a new low, Reynolds, making little girls cry!

Evil Glenn: Wow! I'm even more despicable than I meant to be. Sometimes I just get these lucky breaks. What can I say?

Sally: Aren't you supposed to be in America, helping John Kerry?

Evil Glenn: BAH! An oversight. I thought he was kindred, if you know what I mean. Turns out he's only eighty seven. Damn botox...

Sally: So why were you here? Apart from trying to lure me to certain death with Meths on a string?

Evil Glenn: Oh. I've been developing some new software. I thought I'd crash Alex's computer with it try it out here.

Sally: Is it any good?

Evil Glenn: Yes! It'll take him years to fix! Muhahaha!

Sally: Oh Dear Lord. It is a new version of Windows isn't it?

Evil Glenn: Indeed! Windows E.G, version 666. It's got some pretty nifty features, I can tell you. For a start, I've done away with that pesky Homepage thing. In the future, anyone in the world who wants to access the Internet will have to do so via Instapundit. It's also got a new "Exploding Monitor" thing happening if anyone wants to see Boobies.

Sally: (Darkly) Harvey won't like that. Don't tell me you're upset about his last lie?

Evil Glenn: On the contrary! I loved it. Couldn't have put it better myself! I just can't get it out of my head.

Sally: Um, me too. So. What else have you got?

Evil Glenn: I've renamed the "O.K" button, "Indeed". "Retry" is now called "Litigate!". And the software supports some great new peripherals.

Sally: Don't tell me. Blenders right?

Evil Glenn: Damn, you're good! In fact, you don't need to speak to me at all. You know me so well, why, I bet you could write these posts without any input from me. How about you just make it all up next week?

Sally: Wha...But I...Reynolds! Stop deliberately confusing people, you inhuman lawy...

Evil Glenn: Programmer! Here're your keys. Catch!

With that, he threw them onto the roof, and dematerialised into the gloom, cackling loudly.

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