Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Evil Glenn's Halloween: A Filthy Lie 

Not long ago, I received the following e-mail:

I am a lawyer banker acting on behalf of a Puppy-blending, Commie-Praising, Satan-worshipping client in Tennessee, who urgently needs to move funds out of the country in the run-up to the election. Free travel to the U.S is available for willing victims volunteers!

Not having my contacts in, and ecstatic at the thought of visiting DisneyWorld, I signed up immediately! Even the following proviso didn't deter me:

Prey Applicants must observe U.S customs, and wear costumes for Halloween: The theme for this year is "Street-Urchin".

I could do that. I handed Tara a pair of scissors and prodded her in the direction of my wardrobe. Half an hour later, I recieved another e-mail instructing me to touch the screen.


I had the feeling of a hook wrenching me by the stomach, a blurry glimpse of a vast ocean and...


When the world stopped spinning, I realised my screen had been a PortKey to...

Sally: What is this dank, foul-smelling place? This is more like King's Cross station than Disneyw...GAH! I'm in Castle Glenn! You tricked me, Reynolds!

Evil Glenn: Yes, I thought I'd do something particularly Evil this Halloween. Welcome to America! Let's get the formalities over with. Now, are you, or have you ever been a Communist?

Sally: No!

Evil Glenn: Pity... And where are you staying?

Sally: I don't know...

Evil Glenn: So, technically, that makes you...

Sally: Evil Glenn! I have a home...

Evil Glenn: Not here, you don't! What is your purpose of visiting the United States?

Sally: I wanted to go to DisneyWorld. Then I was kidnapped.

Evil Glenn: May I see your Visa?

Sally: You know damn well I don't have one!

Evil Glenn: Indeed! So, by your own admission, you are a homeless illegal alien, which makes you subject to trial by Lawyer...

Sally: No! I won't be able to stand the excruciating agony of endless litigation!

Evil Glenn: OR..."THE GAME".

Sally: "The Game"? What does that entail?

Evil Glenn: You get a bowl of soup, a pair of boots, and a two-minute head start! Can't say fairer than that!

Sally: Is it anything like this game?!

Evil Glenn: Why, in all my time subverting sites on the Internet have I never seen something so *interesting*. Breeding Super-fit Hobos will make the Game much more competitive. Now, about your imminent death...

Sally: Objection!

Evil Glenn: Sustained! Counsel is leading the witn...I mean, Over-ruled! I bet you don't even have Health Insurance, do you? Oh, this is just the best Halloween EVER! And I've been dying to break in my new Hobo-Whacking Stick, or should I say, you'll be dying to...

Sally: Where the hell did you get that?

Evil Glenn: Early Christmas present.

Sally: From?

Evil Glenn: Myself. Harvey paid for it though. I've been hacking his bank account for years!

Sally: I want to go home! Home...home...that's IT! There's no place like home...there's no place like home...there's no place like...

Evil Glenn: Hey! Hands off my Ruby Sandals!

Sally: Back off, Reynolds, or I'll tell my neighbour that you've got a bottle of Meths!

Evil Glenn went pale paler. He was obviously remembering his last encounter with that creature more terrible than himself. I made a grab for the sparkly open-toed items.

Evil Glenn: I need those for the Robo-Dancathon next week!



Thank God! I was safely back, and sitting at the computer. Onto the screen flashed the following message:

I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!

Then he hit me with a lawsuit. Bastard!

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