Thursday, September 30, 2004

Suffer the Little Children... 

From Popbitch:

A nine year old boy asks his mother,
"Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds
"Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks,
"Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks,
"Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to
be consistent, the mother answers,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with
understanding and he triumphantly asks...

"Is Michael Jackson God?"

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Making my Mother Proud 

I'm now the ninth Google search result for XXX Black Peeing Porn. I might wrest the number one spot from Harvey sometime soon!

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Um... It's 2004 actually. 

This today from my daughter's school:

The pupils have supervised access to the international network of computers known as "The Internet". You may have read about this, or seen it on television."

Hello? Am I living in a cave on top of Ben Nevis? I thought I lived in a large commuter town forty minutes away from the centre of London!

It goes on to explain that material of a dubious nature can often be found on this "Internet" thing. Really? That's not the Google *I* know and love!

I know how protected school computers are. I couldn't get anything interesting out of them when I used them. (I wish I'd also known that all the e-mail I was sending to Alex was logged at the server. I might have been more tactful about my colleagues)
Anyway. This is the killer:


As a school user of the internet, I agree to comply with the rules on it's use. I will use the network in a responsible way and observe all the restrictions explained to me by the school.

Then there's space for your four year old to sign and date it.

Well I'm sorry. I expected a cracked version of Norton brought home by the end of term! Government defense codes hacked by Easter! At the very least, the ability to successfully search for XXX Black Peeing Porn.

Oh well. She wrote her name on it. And it did give me a couple of laughs.

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Saturday, September 25, 2004

Evil Glenn's Webpage 

I can't get over the page I found last night, whilst toiling over the Filthy Lie that Harvey didn't put up at Alliance H.Q.

If you couldn't be bothered to click the links, Evil Glenn's Hobophobic webpage can be found here, with the F.A.Q's here. Google is a strange, and wonderful incredibly disturbing thing...

Remember: The only good hobo is a dead hobo!


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Friday, September 24, 2004

Evil Glenn's Spam: A (Lame) Filthy Lie 

This popped into my inbox today:

Hello, this is Glenn Reynolds Brad again,
are you ready to make the only step necessary to ensure your financial
dreams become a reality? No time to enjoy the sweeter things in life? Your
family perhaps? Your friends? A vacation? Tired of shift work? Allow me to
guide you to freedom!
After shortest time I am now averaging twelvethousand USdollars monthly and
am personally coaching each entrepreneur in our team.
Email me at: Evil Glenn@ puppy-blender.co.za
and put Penguin Porn "FREEDOM Info" in the sub-ject.

You won't regret it.

To re-move yourself, just punch Frank J email to offlist@mighty.co.za with "re-move" in
the sub-ject.

I would've written more, but it's Friday, and I'm tired, the Evil Bastard crashed my computer!

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Thursday, September 23, 2004

Guess What I'm Wearing... 

Certainly not white under black!

There you go, Harvey.

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Monday, September 20, 2004

And the Winner is... 

Harvey! After the original tussle in the comments to this post, the old codger left a few words here, and hit the jackpot! So, gratuitous linkage will be his, very shortly.

In the meantime, thanks to everyone else who got into the spirit of things. I *love* my blogfamily :-)

Thanks also to the elusive Peter.

Alex, gets more direct linkage, of course.

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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Type Like a Pirate Day 

I be using this keyboard, I be!

Shiver me timbers! Here be the Pirate version of "The Dead Parrot" sketch.

Yay! That was fun. Let's see. What about "Instapirate"?

Nope. Looks like Evil Glenn has surrounded his sinister webpage with unspeakable Dark wards and charms. And a couple of million "Indeed!"s, to protect it from would-be Pirate Translators.


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What Would Jesus Do? 

Why, he'd enter this of course!

Is nothing sacred to the makers of Reality T.V?

Mind you, I'll probably watch it. If it's as disturbingly entertaining as "Wifeswap" was.

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Saturday, September 18, 2004

Arnie Spoils Some Innocent Fun 

California has just banned necrophilia this
week, making it punishable by up to
eight years in jail. The law was introduced
after a case in San Francisco last year where
a 46-year-old man was found passed out drunk,
with his pants round his ankle, on top of
an elderly woman's corpse in a funeral home.

Catherine Zeta-Jones must be getting a bit
nervous about a police visit...

(Courtesy of Popbitch)

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Friday, September 17, 2004

*How* Many Hits? 

I didn't even know that I'd passed the thousand mark till Harvey told me! Since this site is currently at 1111, I'm looking to see who hits the 1113. (Thirteen is my lucky number.) Gratuitous linkage promised.

Just leave a comment here saying "1113. Yay!"

Or I'll just delete this post and cry.

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Thursday, September 16, 2004

Evil Glenn's Haiku: A Filthy Lie. 

I ran into Glenn Reynolds at Heathrow airport today. Apparently he'd been over here taking care of business. He asked about the latest Alliance assignment, and I told him. Here's the completely made up truth of what was said:

Evil Glenn: Haiku eh? I hope you've got a decent lawyer!

Sally: That's a contradiction in terms, like "British Intelligence"! What do you mean? I can't get in trouble for writing Haiku, for God's sake!

Evil Glenn: That's what you think! There's legislation surrounding that sort of thing, you know. The copyright on that particular poetic form is now held by me. I license it only to other like-minded professionals.

Sally: You're making this up!

Evil Glenn: No I'm not! I have thousands of Sinister Minions working on it as we speak. These guys are just the West Coast faction.

Sally: Oh my God! What will I do?

Evil Glenn: Seven to ten. No bail. Or a $900,000 fine. That's apart from your legal fees.

Sally: But why all the fuss about Haiku? I mean, apart from screwing over regular people to make money.

Evil Glenn: Because Haiku is very sacred to me. It's especially perfect for the busy lawyer.

(He went on to explain in Legalise. I have provided the translation)

1. Brevity. Speaks for itself. Evil Internet Overlords can't be wasting time on too much prose. Indeed!

2. Lawyers love words. Especially words that have layers of meaning, connotation and denotation, where distilling an image to it's essence is crucial...but a little misdirection is allowed, and even encouraged!

3.Rules. Not only are there lots of rules, but they are in dispute, constantly evolving, often misapplied, and frequently attacked beyond all reason.

4. Creation. Lawyers often feel that they don't make or create anything.(Beyond controversy and money that is.)

5. Balance Haiku can help Lawyers achieve the balanced life-style necessary to achieving a happy, healthy and ethical outlook in an unhappy, unhealthy, unethical profession.

Sally: You are a very bad man!

Evil Glenn: Lawy...

Sally: I know! So what do I do?

Evil Glenn: Seven to ten, or...

Sally: GAH! You told me that already. O.K. how about you give me some Haiku? What have you been up to recently?

Evil Glenn:

Bitch-Slapping Frank J
Planning to steal T-Shirt Babe.

Babies are yummy!
They taste better with cream cheese.
Nicer than bagels.

Swooping through the Night.
Breaking That 1 Guy's windows.
Cursing his sneezes.

I wish I hadn't asked...

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Friends! Americans! Republicans! 

Lend me your guns.

Tuesday must be "Welfare Check Day" over here, because The Munchkins turned up last night looking like they'd drunk all of it.

"We got some sweets for Tara".

So being the neighbourly soul that I am, I promptly dragged her out of bed at half-past nine on a school night. Then I introduced her to a couple of alcoholic freaks, and allowed them to feed her sugar.

Or was that what they expected me to do?

What a spoilsport I am!

I'm making another complaint to their landlord today. I hope they get evicted, and Glenn Reynolds murders them.

UPDATE: Looks like he's on his way

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

God Bless You, Ma'am! 

After six cups of tea heavily laced with vodka, our posh neighbour couldn't wait to help Harvey celebrate!

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Happy Birthday Harvey! 

Take a look at this Love Note from Days Gone By.

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Another Reason to be Proud... 

We've noticed an alarming trend. Tara's had five whole days of school now, and every single day, she's been the first child out. While all the other children are still milling about, there she is, coat on and bag in hand, standing by the door. With three minutes of school time to go.

This could be one of two things. Either she's learnt to tell the time, and has adopted a sensible, organised and punctual approach to life, or...

Who am I kidding? Her teacher's doing some major clock-watching.

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Sunday, September 12, 2004

My Claim to Fame 

I saw a feature in a magazine where they stopped people on the street and asked them about their brushes with celebrities etc...

As soon as I read it, I remembered the excruciating humiliation I suffered as a teenager.

At the time, Aled Jones was very famous, and a friend of mine claimed to have met him. I didn't believe her, so I wrote to him to ask if it was true. For a laugh, I added comments along the line of "Mmmm, you're so dreamy, I love you, I've got all your records". I figured this would make him much more likely to reply.

I got a signed photo, but that was it.

The embarrassment came months later, in a T.V documentary about him, in which he mentioned me by name and read the letter I'd sent!

Turns out my friend wasn't lying, and she had met him. Better than being proved right, she also had the satisfaction of seeing me "revealed" as an Aled Jones fan on national television!

My Street Cred has never recovered.

What's your claim to fame?

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Saturday, September 11, 2004

Untitled, and very welcome today... 

Rachel-Ann links to a story that got me all teary. Not that tears were far from my eyes today anyway...

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Friday, September 10, 2004

Till the Day I Die 

I'll be lighting a candle on the day that is tomorrow.

Eternal Rest give unto them, Oh Lord.
And let Perpetual Light shine upon them.

May they Rest in Peace.

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Three Days In 

and her school is still standing! Incredible! She managed to trip over nothing on the second day, and has a nice bruise on her chin, but she's loving the whole thing.

On the very first day, an older boy came up and told her he loved her. All the other parents laughed, and the boys in her own class backed off.

Today I heard someone say, "Oh, look! The teacher's having to bodily remove that child from the sandpit!". Sure enough, there she was. Let's just say, "proud" was *not* the word I'd use to describe my feelings.

On the up-side, we were amazed to hear the never-before-uttered words, "When's dinner? I'm very hungry".

And she looks so gorgeous in her uniform.
So cute.
So grown-up...


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Trying to get my head round... 

I was delighted when they got their baby, but I always thought that if you gave up a baby for adoption, you did just that. Can anyone explain what's going on with these guys? I mean, are they just raising this child until the Birthmom is old enough to take care of her or what? I don't have a problem with Gay adoption but it seems so weird to me that the mother and grandmothers are having regular contact. Is there trouble brewing for the future, or is this a better way to do things? I honestly don't know.

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Wednesday, September 08, 2004

"Out, Damn Blog Spot!" 

This stupid thing has been down all day! It's finally letting me post, but it's nearly half past nine in the evening and I'm too tired to do anything now.

Other than wish my Blogsis many happy returns of the day, that is!

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Monday, September 06, 2004

And What Do You Do? 

I've often thought my job-description should be "mover". Seriously. It's how I spend my days. I don't mind moving food from to shops, to the fridge, to the oven, to the living room, plates to the sink and back to the cupboards. I don't mind moving clothes from the wardrobe, to the child, from the basket, to the machine, to the airer, to the iron and back to the wardrobe. I don't mind moving dust from the surfaces, or fingerprints from everything.

What I DO hate, is the moving of Tara's toys. She leaves them everywhere. It's a constant battle. When she's not here, I revel in the fact that there will be nothing on the floor for me to move. Anyway, I got to thinking I'd go on strike, and hopefully teach her a lesson at the same time.

This morning I sat and read for an hour and let her have the run of the living room. I was just next door and could hear her. Plus, she came in to me every few minutes, so I knew she was safe. I just didn't go in there. Here's what I found on the floor after the hour was up:

Up-turned lego bucket
Assorted bath toys (?)
Alphabet cards (20 -Of course some were missing)
4 Naked mutilated Barbies
Five Princess dresses
Craft scissors (contraband)
Doll hair (that's why)
14 books
Toast crumbs
2 Princess tiaras
7 assorted Princess shoes
20-piece baby doll accessories
Barbie Castle and 16 accesories
7-piece doll hairdressing set
Newly-broken dolls pram
Plastic whistle (pink of course)
My hairbrush
Her cup
Juice stains
12 colouring pens (two had the lids on)
4 pieces of paper
Torn up kleenex
My diary
3 pieces of fruit with two bites taken out of them
2 photographs
2 towels
wooden spoon from kitchen

Coolly surveying the wreckage, I asked her if she'd like to play with her train-set. This has so many pieces I keep it locked up. "Yes please! But where can we set it up?"
"Hmmm....looks like you've got yourself a problem, Kid".

Still, at least most of these things are hers. We lived for three years with everything we owned kept six feet off the ground. Her "Search and Destroy" missions were legendary.

School starts on Wednesday.
Must stay calm. Repeat. Must stay calm...

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Friday, September 03, 2004

Hurricanes aren't funny. 

But this comment at I.M.A.O is!

"I hope your house lands on Hillary Clinton"

Dark days ahead for my blog-sisters. I don't know who's got it worse. Bored kids or Democrats? And that's in addition to Frances...

Best wishes from all of us.

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I'd Play This! 

Nice to see Mary-Kate Olsen getting over her eating problem. So lets celebrate with "Olsen Pac-Man!"

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Do You Know Who I Am? 

My "Porn-Star" name,(first pet/mother's maiden-name), is Goldy Murphy. Plausible...

My "Movie-Star" name,(middle name/street name), is Mary Ballard. Classical...

My friend's Porn-Star name is Butch Harding.

The fact that he's gay makes it even funnier.

I'm curious to find out what yours are! I'm also wondering what the criteria for a "Bad Example Family" name should be...

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