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Monday, August 30, 2004


"Life Doesn't Have a Rewind Button. 

Ever wish it did?"

I just finished "Do You Remember the First Time?", by Jenny Colgan. It was an O.K easy read,(an hour or so, if you don't have kids), but I LOVED the premise.

Imagine waking up one day to find you're 16 years younger! When I was 16, and reaping the benefits of 15-20 hours dance training per week, I had a body Britney would die for, but I was also a desperately insecure child. In the character's case, she's got the body, coupled with the wit and sass of Carrie Bradshaw. Does it get any cooler than that?

She has a month before she goes back to her life as a 32 year old.

What would you do in that month?

Personally, I'd take full advantage of the digital camera.



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The Family Business 

Another part of Tara's report states that she is a "prominent figure in a group of five very strong-willed girls". This was true. They practically ran the pre-school during their Reign of Terror. They were all notorious members of what came to be known as "The Lunchtime Food-Swapping Ring".(A serious issue given that some children had allergies)

We were once joking about the future staff turnover in the local Primary school when they all moved up, and which teacher was unfortunate to enough to have which combination of these children. I was laughing too. Then they stopped and looked at me. "Well at least Tara's going to a different school!".(She is. She's going to the local Catholic school to torment my horrible ex-boss). I had to agree that the teachers probably had enough to cope with having only two of the gang in each class.

Alex took her shopping for uniform the other day, and by all accounts they ran into one of these other children there.

"How did it go?", I asked him.

"We only ran into one of the Heads of the Five Families", he sighed.

Did I mention how much this man makes me giggle?


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Sunday, August 29, 2004


Time to Revise Our Gun Laws. 

Yes, you guessed it. We were Munchkined again last night. At nine in the evening came a huge series of knocks on the door, waking Tara instantly. There they were. Alex tried to tell them off for knocking so late, and I went to join him in this. I thought of Harvey's advice: Ask them if they've come to return the money. Unfortunately, given their state, it was useless.

I have never in my life seen two people so drunk.

They could hardly stand upright, and didn't seem to take in a word of what we were saying. I doubt very much they'll remember they were ever here when they wake up.

Actually, I'm looking at the title and thinking, if handguns were allowed here, these people would probably be the very first to get one. Scary thought.

It didn't stop me wishing for a hunting rifle though.




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Hassle Hasselhoff 

Those ker-azy kids at Popbitch have had this campaign running for a while now. I'm not entirely sure why, although that episode of Baywatch where he was offering a date with himself as a prize had me gritting my teeth. As if, Luv.

Anyway. It seems an irate American spotted him in London and uttered this immortal line:

You are nothing without your robot-car! Nothing! (Sun 25th July)

Again, I don't know why, but this tickled me. Imagine how pleased I was when I was told that you can now buy the T-shirt!




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No Child of Mine... 

...is going out looking like THAT!


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Thursday, August 26, 2004


GlennLand, Tennessee. 

Following hot on the heels of Evil Glenn's success in Vegas, and with the cash flowing in from ticket sales and merchandise, The Litigious One arranged a meeting with his tax lawyer:

Evil Glenn: So what's the scam? How do I hide this source of income?

Tax Lawyer: Well, there'd be a lot MORE to hide if you hadn't insisted on skimming your own profits!

Evil Glenn: Heh. Force of habit. Still, I need to go legit. The Alliance has unmasked me as a 212 year old vampire who's faked his own death several times. Why do you think I'm working for John Kerry? He's doing away with tax cuts for the rich, but he's keeping the breaks for the SUPER rich as a matter of course. But if he doesn't get elected...

Tax Lawyer: Perhaps you could claim to have won the money at the track. Greyhounds maybe..?

Evil Glenn: Imbecile! It was force-feeding my racing dogs that special energy drink that helped me amass my fortune in the first place! Wait! I have the perfect solution. I'll open Chateau Glenn to the public!

Tax Lawyer: Well it worked for Elvis.

Evil Glenn: Indeed! And I've been undead FAR longer than he has. I shall begin preparations immediately.


Fortunately, I have managed to steal the brochure for this soon to be opened tourist attraction. It makes for horrific reading:

"Welcome to Chateau Glenn! From the moment you, the discerning traveller disembark from the cattle car, past the iron gates and into the outer compound, you will be sure of an experience you'll never forget! (Disclaimer: inappropriately-clad persons will be not be admitted... through the FRONT entrance.)

Once inside, you'll marvel at the glorious architecture brick by bloodstained brick! Each one imported from Evil Glenn's ancestral Transylvan European home.

The Portrait Gallery is a "Must-See". You'll notice how the eyes of Glenn's evil ancestor's seem to follow you around the room? As Lord Reynolds says himself: I bricked up dozens of hobos behind the paintings Muhahahaha! "Uh, I mean, now that's what I call Art!"

You'll also find several unique pieces that the family had comissioned, including the penguin version of Rodin's "The Kiss", and Glenn's prized variation on "The Scream", by Edvard Munch.( Note from P.R: Do NOT mention that the slippery bastard has also got the original. He claims that he "just took it back")

Unfortunately, the Historic Dungeons are currently in use being refurbished.

But there's still plenty to enjoy at Glennland!Why not visit the "Medieval Musuem"? Glenn's proud of his antique treasures. And why not? "They're all still in perfect working order!", he boasts.

Several relatively modern pieces are also to be found in and around the Chapel.

Lord Reynolds is also an avid thief collector of new and exciting technology!

Several themed Blenderies exist on the Estate, serving both live hot and cold beverages. You can choose from Classic Commie, French Farmhouse or American Country Cuisine. When you're refreshed and ready to go, why not visit The Ancient Cemetary?!

Why, some of those graves are over Twenty Minutes Years Old!!! If you notice some disturbance in the earth, well, as Glenn says! "It takes a few days for the damn winos to run out of oxygen It's a peculiarity of the soil here."

Also in the Castle grounds is the famous Penguin - Enclosure. Observe as these wonderous flightless arctic waterfowl frolick in their latex bondage gear natural environment!

Lord Reynold's kennels are also well known. It is here that the Glennedon Labradoodle was bred. Combining a hitherto unknown quality of both loyalty and Frenchness, they are, without a doubt very tasty indeed beyond compare!

So. Come to GlennLand! "THE EXPERIENCE OF SEVERAL LIFETIME'S!"

Contact www.chateauevilglenn for further details of our annual events programme.

Dates and times of Black Mass up at Instapundit as usual.

Admission prices $100 Adults

$50 Children

Special treatment concessions for those currently "between
addresses."

Dogs welcome.



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Wednesday, August 25, 2004


Update! 

Wisconsin internet cult leader, in...defacing statues scandal???

Go here for the full story.


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Old PictureBreaking News! 

Has Howard Dean been spending time with Evil Glenn?


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Sushi, anyone? 

I wonder if I should submit these to "Carnival of the Recipes"?


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Fucktard of the Week 

Anathematized1, at Cleanse the World; Rivers of Blood, has a great new regular feature!

I've met both good and bad people in chatrooms, but I do quite miss the idiots in - between. Especially if they're quite harmless, like poor ol' Dave.


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Monday, August 23, 2004


Unhand my Daughter, Sir! 

J, of Quibbles and Bits has a delightful post up at Man Meets Baby. Very funny indeed. I'll be acting on that advice for sure.


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One Yank and they're Off? 

When Alex lived in the U.S, he was amazed at how much female attention he received on the strength of his accent. Now Alex is from the midlands, and doesn't exactly sound like Hugh Grant. His American girlfriend liked anything British, and this is apparently quite common! He also told me that American guys think all English girls are easy!

This was news to me. Is it true? Are my countrywomen behaving disgracefully over there? Perhaps it's just a reaction to the "arrangements" that were made for the sake of nylons and cigarettes during WWII. I don't know. I'm putting it to you.

Personally, I have to admit that an American accent sounds impossibly glamourous. Probably because I never hear it outside of the movies. Especially a Southern one, on men AND women. (Tara was named as much for the South as she was for the ancient capitol of Eire).

WARNING: All "Yes, English girls ARE easy!" comments MUST be qualified with the statement, "Present company excepted, of course".

And no. Behaviour at comment parties doesn't count.



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Sunday, August 22, 2004


...the little bleeder! 

Bless her. I've been meaning to write about Tara's condition. So here it is: Von Willebrand's Disease. We were looking at her today and counted TWENTY - FIVE bruises on her left leg alone. Tara is blonde, and very pale - skinned. I've never let her tan. She can choose to damage her skin later in life if she wishes. She bruises like an elderly person, the poor thing. Deep, lumpy, painful looking marks, that take months to fade, from where she's brushed against the furniture. They don't bother her, though. However they bother me come summer, and we're getting "looks" from people at the beach.

I attended several child - abuse awareness courses in my previous job, and before she was diagnosed, well. Those were DARK days. I'd look at my baby, with bruises on her inner thighs, arms, buttocks, and my child - minder would be looking suspiciously at me.

Since seeing the specialist, we've been warned that most parents of V.W.D children face investigation by the authorities. Allegations are usually made by assistant teachers / parent helpers / neighbours who don't know the child's medical history. It doesn't help that, and this is apparently a characteristic of the condition, she is an extremely active child. She was walking at seven months, and used to remind me of the Dancing Baby in "Ally McBeal". "No Martial Arts for her!", we have been told. Fair enough, but it's impossible to keep a small child wrapped in cotton wool.

Luckily, I've got the pager number of the best doctor in the country. Even if it's New Year's Eve, he's told me not to bother with the local hospital, and bring her to London directly.

I once kidnapped her from the local hospital, where they wanted to give her stitches in her tongue. They'd done this before, and it had only increased the bleeding. "Cut? Let's stick a needle in it. That'll sort it out!" She ended up with a haematoma that nearly choked her, and a thrush infection. Plus, she was constantly vomiting swallowed blood. Anyway. I took her home and prescribed a little of the tranexamic acid that had been given to me.(I have a mild form of V.W.D). The bleeding stopped, and she was fine. The specialist told me I'd done the right thing.

The scariest thing ever, was when she cut her lip and it was just DRIPPING blood. She was about ten months old, and I had to help hold her, and watch her go under a general anaesthetic. The way she went out, and the look she gave me...My Mother was crying openly, but I had to tell myself, "There are babies having open - heart surgery in this building. Little kids on dialysis, having chemo. Who am I to cry?"

I'm pretty much a hardened veteran now. So is she. The sad thing is, she's getting self - conscious about her bruises. "I wish I didn't have these", she's been saying lately. Oh, if I could only bear them for her...



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Stalking 101 

Having inexplicably moved up several categories in The Ecosystem, although I suspect I'll stay put now, I had a little look at my readers. Beloved Bad - Example Family members were all present and accounted for, plus one or two others.

On the map at sitemeter, the majority of my traffic comes, of course, from the U.S. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I'm being read, or have been read in Jerusalem! There I am in the blogroll of the lovely Rachel Ann of Willow Tree! I was hooked as soon as I saw that "Welcome" image.

So, grabbing my binoculars I set off stalking in earnest and found this great post about parenthood, and this shocker at her new home. Daily reading? Has to be. Also, and this may sound silly, the name reasonated. My name was once the same as hers.



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Saturday, August 21, 2004


Bonfire of the Recipes 

Take one PizzaHut menu.

Tick your toppings.

Briskly apply the telephone.

Add one harried husband hastily having to go get cash for the tip.

Steal and serve.




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Ain't that nice? 

I was idly googling "Whimsy Capricious" last night, and came across this old post at Ellis Island. It had everything a post should have! Positive things about me, a condemnation of stupid Blogspot, and an abusive comment from The Bartender. Thanks Jim!



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Friday, August 20, 2004


Oh the Shame...# 2 

Lunchtime. They came to me in droves: "Miss! Miss! Danny's got handcuffs!".
I was exhausted, and told the offending child to report to the Office and hand them in IMMEDIATELY.

I was too tired to laugh. Too tired to check.

Upon finishing lunch, I passed by the Headmaster's Office. A plump, tearful child sat outside with her hands firmly cuffed.

I couldn't resist it:

"Have we changed our discipline policy?"

I wasn't to know that prospective parents were touring the school, for God's sake!

Luckily, I didn't have to 'phone the mother who had to be reached for the keys. She turned up with no sense of embarrassment at all. Neither did I have to explain the situation to the parents of the handcuffed child...



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Evil Glenn's Photo - Album. A Filthy Lie 

I was in the gallery of the Courthouse the other day, laughing at my brother-in-law's vain attempts to impress the judge, when I saw a familiar figure lurking in the shadows. Head bowed deeply in Islawic Prayer, it was wearing a white curly wig and a T-shirt emblazoned with the legend "Objection!" in letters of fire.

Evil Glenn! Looking closely, I could see that he had several heavy books hidden beneath his robes.

Sally: What are YOU doing here?

Glenn: (Somewhat stiffly) I have a perfect right to be here. I'm working on my lawsuit against Grau: Malicious wounding, loss of penguins property, and invasion of privacy .

Sally: So the ad didn't work, huh? What's with the books then? Lets see, "Property of The Old Bailey, do not remove..." What? You're stealing BIBLES?

Glenn: I like to think of it more as liberating.

Sally: But why? Is this some sort of diabolical scheme you've cooked up with Satan?

Glenn: Not at all. It was my own idea! You see, all this "swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God" nonsense goes against my shallowest deepest principles! This Liberal crap could destroy the whole case! And if God gets called to the stand, I'm screwed!

Sally: Well, I can see there may be some conflict of interest there...

Glenn: Indeed! I sometimes wish we could go back to Trial by Ordeal: Die, you're innocent; Live you're Evil, and deserve to die. Ahhh, that was Justice... Heh.

Sally: But trial by Lawyer is MUCH nastier, not to mention more painful.

Glenn: And a hell of a lot more profitable. Did I mention I was suing The Alliance for libel? Especially Alex, the filthy liar.

Sally: Author.

Glenn: Whatever, as soon as you're all in jail I'm going to..

Sally: What?

Glenn: Send your daughter to Harvard. Then I figure I'll stop by Harvey's house for a night cosying up on the couch watching Michael Moore films, then perhaps a quick bite...

Sally: We'll stop you, you know. We always do.

Glenn: Heh. I think not. Take a look at these other books! My precious photo - albums! Heavily tampered - with images of The Alliance in compromising positions. You wouldn't DARE counter - sue. I'll ruin you all! Muhahahahaha!

Sally: Jesus Christ! Which version of Photoshop did you use to get Harvey in THAT position?

Glenn: What? Oh that's just one I stole from his house. Here, look at this picture. My personal favourite. All your faces are quite clearly displayed. What a debauched drunken orgy!

Sally: Comment party.

Glenn: Whatever. You'll never stop me. I'm Glenn Reynolds! I do as I please!

Sally: Can I bribe you?

Glenn: How much? I mean, uh, I'm willing to negociate.

Sally: Here's £3.

Glenn: You must be joking! What can I buy with that?

Sally: *smiling evily*, GAS!

Evil Glenn fled as The Munchkin's moon - face emerged from the darkness, pudgy arms outstretched.

"I wouldn't ask you but..."


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We're out! 

The Munchkin returned last week. This time she wanted to "borrow" money.

"You know I wouldn't ask, but I need £3 to buy some gas (for their cooker, not for a car. God forbid she should be allowed on the roads). They have some sort of pre - pay system in their house lair. I guess the gas and electric companies don't trust them. With good reason.

In the interests of getting rid of her, I gave her the money.

"I'll pay you back by Tuesday at the latest. And you know, I'll be happy to look after Tara if you two want to go out. Any time at all. We'd love to have her."

I'd rather she looked after my winning lottery ticket.

Well, Tuesday has come and gone, with no sign of her. Best Damn £3 I ever spent!


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Oh, the Shame...# 1 

Inspired by this post of Boudicca's about how kids can embarrass the hell out of you.

A colleague of mine was telling Kindergarten children about the Easter Bunny.

"There's no such thing", said one boy. The kid wouldn't hear another word about it, and was totally disrupting the discussion. He was absolutely adamant.

"Who DOES bring the Easter eggs then?", asked my colleague.

"Your Mommy does. The Easter Bunny is just your Mom, and Daddys try to steal the eggs", he replied.

"What makes you say that?" (My friend was now intrigued)

"Because I SAW my Mommy wearing bunny ears and a fluffy tail. And my Daddy was chasing her!"


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I've Recovered 

From the pulled muscles sustained at our Costume party. Thanks again to everyone who bravely battled blogspot to attend. Boudicca, in particular, had the worst time getting in, but Harvey also had trouble.

Dr. We Swear was on hand with his own special branch of medicine, before disappearing with Machelle and Teresa.

T1G courageously bounced The Munchkin, and saved the beer. In answer to what he had under his John kerry kilt, I'd have to guess it was a "Purple Heart" or two...

Alex thankfully spotted Evil Glenn lurking in a corner dressed as an Altar Boy, and kept him away from the Punch.

But the award for Best Costume has to go to Father - Oh Johnny and his Extreme Confessional. The prize? He gets the footage of Tammi's dancemat performance! Do what you will with that, Johnny, and congratulations!



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Tuesday, August 17, 2004


Couldn't Resist... 

It's my sister's first wedding anniversary soon. "What should I get Darren?", she asked.

Bearing in mind that this is their "paper" anniversary, I immediately suggested a bit of origami, but Alex topped me:

"Divorce Papers!", he said.



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Monday, August 16, 2004


Time for some fun!

As my blogbrother Johnny - Oh reminded me, I've been thinking of having a costume party here at blogspot. Well darn if I don't have FOUR (count 'em) things to celebrate!

New images (courtesy of Alex), and Evil Glenn quote!

Johnny's song, courtesy of _Jon's server!

An unprecedented second in the comments to Frank J's funniest ever "In My World"! (I know, I wasn't very original. Too excited)

Tammi and Boudicca came through the hurricane safe and well!

So you're all very welcome to don the kinky costume of your choice and trash the place participate in a small, controlled social gathering.

We'll be in and out, but you'll have plenty of opportunity to "look around" when we're asleep.



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Saturday, August 14, 2004


Yay!

I don't really know about adoption in the U.S. When I was born, I was in foster care for three months, as a sort of "cooling off" period for my "birthmom". My parents were informed that there was a baby needing a home, but, just as in nature, they couldn't choose the sex of that baby. Neither did they meet the young girl who gave me up. No money changed hands. It's still like that now, from what I can gather.

However, I'm over the moon for these guys. They had a terrible experience with their last "match". The birthmom changed her mind as they were on their way home with the baby. I can't find the posts regarding this, or the pictures of the baby, and I suspect they've been taken down. I still recall the enrty, though:

"We have cried, we have screamed, we have prayed..."

Awful. I really felt for them. However, I had to admit that a cooling - off period should be in effect to prevent this sort of thing from happening. Surely that would protect everyone?




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Friday, August 13, 2004


Alliance Assignment: A Filthy Lie Lame Excuse.

We're taking the "vacation" option, as it would be impossible to decide which lies are our favourites. Besides. We like being married, and don't want to have to call in the services of a lawyer to mediate.

However, we'd both like to thank Harvey, for his tireless efforts on behalf of The Alliance. For keeping the Filthy Lie alive for a year. For writing hilarious introductions to the new stories. And for being a great (if prolific) Blogdad.

Three cheers for Harvey!



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Thursday, August 12, 2004


Say WHAT?

I read this at Harvey's, and it reminded me of the last time I giggled uncontrollably in front of a disapproving boss:

I was talking to an elderly colleague about some item being available at W.H.Smith, and she said, "Oh I can't go there! I haven't been there for ten years."

When I asked her why, she replied, "You know how I'm always getting my words mixed up? Well, I was trying to ask the sales assistant for a Stunt Kite..."


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Wednesday, August 11, 2004


Meanwhile, at I.M.A.O...

Frank J has me laughing my ass off again.

Grab a dictionary and look up the word "ironical"...

Is Ron Leighton the new "Limey"?


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One to Watch

Machelle has her own blog!

(Courtesy of Blogsister Tammi, of Road Warrior Survival)


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When Good things Happen to Bad People

Judging from the photo, this guy has been in prison a LONG time. I wonder what he'll spend it on?

UPDATE: According to the papers, it was a series of attacks and one actual rape. Not "attempted rape" as it says in the link.



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Tuesday, August 10, 2004


Hello Sailor!

As I've mentioned, we're big on pickles in this house. (Except Alex, he loathes them). Tara and I are especially fond of pickled cucumber. The little ones. Mmmmm.

Anyway, I was running her bath today, setting out her bath toys and various empty bubble - bath bottles ready for her to play with, and decided to have a quick snack.

Tara asked if she might have a pickled cucumber, and I didn't see any reason why not. Next thing I know, Alex is shouting at her and comes in saying:

"She's only put a cucumber in Mr Matey!"

I fell about laughing.

"Perhaps she felt sorry for him after a long voyage", I replied.

Neither of us could keep a straight face to tell her off after that.

Poor Mr Matey. He had to be thrown out. No more "interestiing adventures" in her bath with naked Barbie for him!


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Sunday, August 08, 2004


In Praise of Grandparents

Blogbrother _Jon, of "We Swear" has a great quote on mortality

It's certainly something I hope to see.

My wise Irish Granny used to say: "When you hold the child of your child in your arms, life comes full circle".

The flippant side of me wants to add: "And when you can give it back at the end of the day and go get some sleep, that's even better!"
I can't wait for grandchildren...

Being adopted, it was probably the best feeling in the world to watch my parents take such delight in Tara, their first grandchild. I was so pleased and proud to have given something back. It's hard to explain. I hadn't really given much thought to being adopted before I gave birth, but it made me think of all they did for me, and how awful I was as a teenager. To have given them this incredible gift fills me with sheer joy.

And they're not bringing her back till seven!


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Pickle Soup?

My obsession with hitherto undiscovered food is all - consuming. Alex and I were watching "Welcome to Collingwood" yesterday. There was a scene where they were standing outside some take - out place, and of course, I was reading the menu. Pickle soup was duly googled and...hmmm. I wonder if it goes well with pimiento cheese? Meanwhile here are one or two recipes I WON'T be trying. Although Glenn Reynolds may be tempted by the second...



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Friday, August 06, 2004


Evil Glenn's Presidential Campaign

In true Movie-Villain tradition, Evil Glenn had a hard childhood, and was constantly mistaken, during adolescence, for the nerdy-looking Mike Mills, from R.E.M. (M.T.V just scares me these days). In time, his maniacal lust for revenge led him to the very top of The Ecosystem, where he wielded the deadly Instalanche with insane abandon. And as if that wasn't enough, he even took to punching our beloved favourite bloggers with his own, gloved two hands!

Now he has his beady eyes on the most fantastic prize of all, The Presidency! But how will he achieve his goal? Well, I have it on good authority that he intends to win the hearts and minds of the American people with the following, diabolical plan:

He's going to play Vegas!

Oh yes. Being a flamboyant sort of character, he's planning to use this venue as a vehicle to bring his Unholy Ideology to the masses! And having certain, influence, shall we say, with shady Mafia Bosses perfectly respectable hotel and casino owners, the Musical Extravanganza that is "Evil! Las Vegas!" is nearly complete.

He's taken Michael Moore on board as Musical Director, and together they have compiled a show to corrupt all that is decent and wholesome in American musicals. According to Frank J, he heard snippets of the songs from his position at the buffet last week. Since Evil Glenn is far too sneaky to come up with an ACTUAL Campaign Slogan (lawyers don't like to commit to anything, especially not in writing), he's doing the subliminal thing:

"Don't get strung out by the way I look.
Don't judge a book by it's cover.
I'm not much of a mortal man, by the light of day
But by night I'm one Hell of a lover LAWYER!
I'm just a sweet Pengosexual!
From Memphis ...Transylvannia!
Let me, show you around, maybe,
Play you some sounds screams
You both look, pretty, groovy homeless..."


Gah! He doesn't even care if the new lyrics scan or not! Apparently he's working on some "Grease" covers too!

"Black Mass....
you saw me standing, alone..
Without a stake through my Heart.
Without a Love penguin of my own"
.

And this!

"There are worse things I could do.
Than to whack a bum
Or two..."


I'm too shaky to contemplate The Litigious One's take on "Greased Lightning" *shudder*

I dread to think what the merchandising campaign entails, but I hear his opening act consists of a troupe of unfortunate transients that he has had surgically "modified". They no longer have the use of their arms, and do a great version of "Riverdance"!

So there is my Filthy Lie. The Instapundit's campaign slogan would have to be "Evil, Las Vegas!"




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Presents!

Alex has been working really long hours over the last fortnight. In this heat. So what does my exhausted man do when he has a spare hour? Collapse? Oh no. He took our resident stalker daughter out to buy presents for all of us!

He got an MP3 gadget for the car (so it's really a present for everyone), I got clothes, Tara got a doll with about fifty changes of bags and shoes and, a DanceMat!

It's so cool! It's one of those things that hooks up to the T.V, and has proved totally addictive. To me, at any rate. This is the very first toy she's had that I've liked. (I'm not counting the cuddly, whirring, beeping R2D2. She wasn't quite born when I bought that).

Perhaps I should bring it to a Comment Party?


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Wednesday, August 04, 2004


"When I was just a little Girl..."

Boudicca has a post entitled, "Someone's Mama Didn't Raise Her Right" ,which is a shocking tale of rudeness and ignorance.

Something about the title struck a chord, however. It reminded me of a couple of years ago, when Destiny's Child released "Survivor". I've always had a sense of the absurd, and that line:

"You know I'll never dis you on the internet,
'Cos my Mama taught me better than that!"


Well, it conjured up images of me sitting my (then) two year old daughter on my knee and lecturing her on how to live her life:

"Always be well - mannered; cross the road safely ; say "no" to drugs; don't fall for Harvey the "if you loved me, you would," line, and above ALL, never EVER dis someone on the Internet! I raised you to be a lady!"

PRAYING for rain here...





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Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Gastroporn

A great hobby of mine. I like to cook nourishing, tasty meals for my family, but I don't really eat much myself. What I LOVE to do, is read about food. Ever since I was a child, for some bizarre reason, I've always relished descriptions of food in print. When "gastroporn" came into it's own, during the last decade, I bought all the cookbooks, and watched all T.V programmes. I thank God every day for the internet and have a folder of favourite recipe sites. Alex indulges me in this. Once, when he was away, we we chatting on A.O.L, and he took me to the Russian Tearooms for a virtual banqet. Sadly, it's now closed.

Southern American cuisine has always been a favourite. You know, real Elvis style food. I'm the only person I know who eats sweet potatoes. I've started adding cranberry sauce to them, to the disgust of my family. I came across a recipe in a Nigella Lawson book for ham with a coca-cola glaze. How cool is that? The thing I HAVE to try though is the pineapple casserole I read about in this book. Pineapple casserole? Nobody here had heard of such a thing, but online, there's a million different versions!

It's another reason to enjoy reading Pat Conroy. He writes so well about the South, and food!( I'm going to visit Charleston someday, I swear. And Graceland - talk about opposites in terms of style!). If I ever get there, I'm coming back ten pounds heavier.



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Monday, August 02, 2004


The Service Provider from Hell

We have our phone, internet and cable T.V provided by the worst company in the world. For various practical reasons they are the only service available to us in this area. And what a useless bunch of utter bastards they are!

You want your T.V service downgraded? Oh no. This simple instruction is much too hard to follow. Two weeks later you discover that you have been UPGRADED, and have had all the most expensive channels added.

You choose the "free local calls after six" option and get a contract saying this is the case. We make all our calls at this time, and dutifully pay our bills. Funnily enough, when you get a moment to check these bills, you find that you have been charged full rate for every one!

Service cut off entirely? Why that would be the reminder letter that you didn't get. Three days after this arrives, the original bill comes through the door. (We can't possibly trust these people not to bankrupt us if we made out a Direct Debit)

Here's a classic. There was someone I needed to call. It was very important that they DIDN'T get our landline number from their caller-display (and our new address from the web) so I phoned the company to ask that our number come up unavailable. I was assured that it would, and made the call. That person ended the conversation with a cheery, "Well I have your new number now, so I'll give you a call back if there are any more problems". I was beyond anger. Especially when our subsequent change of number was changed, get this, SEVEN times on their systems to the point that nobody, neither us nor the company knew what it was. And then some idiot refused to discuss our account with us unless we told him our phone number. I believe what Alex said to that man on the phone had him looking for a new job (and address) the second he hung up.

Shortly afterwards, our daughter had an accident and I needed to call Alex who was working away. I also needed to call my dad, so he could get us to London. An hours drive. Could I dial a cellphone? No. My earlier instructions regarding the phone had been interpreted as "Please bar me from making any calls at all to cellphone numbers". Which language do their customer service people SPEAK?
Tara has a bleeding disorder, and has to get to her specialists like YESTERDAY, and I can't call anyone. Fantastic.

O.K. This is NOT acceptable. And they've made countless other stupid mistakes. Not another penny do they get until we see some compensation. Knowing Alex as I do, we'll get it. If they operated in this disgraceful manner in the U.S, I'm pretty sure the lawyers would have a field day. Anyway. Rant over, and if we're not about for a couple of days, that's why.


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