Friday, July 30, 2004

"Intercourse, Pennsylvania"?

I love reading Belinda Jones. Especially as her characters are always off to places I want to visit...Capri, Las Vegas, and recently, a road trip across the United States. Yay! The premise of this one is that a gal looking for love decides to travel to some U.S towns with appealing-sounding names ( eg..."Climax, Colorado") and then to write about her adventures. Double Yay! I find it's autobiographical. The girl has DONE this!

Given my earlier experiences, I was loathe to ask Google if "Intercourse, Penn" really WAS a town, let alone, ironically, an Amish Community. Then, I finish the book and guess what? The author has a website where you can check out all the places she stayed in!

Come my winning lottery ticket, I'm at the place in Arizona!

Oh, and I also found out that both Ronald Reagan, and George Bush were both male cheerleaders. Apparently. Plus this great line: "We were really pleased when Bill became President, as at least it got him the hell out of Arkansas!" *snicker* I bet the forks in those family trees tripled overnight...

As for "Gaylord Hotels", I really wasn't expecting that to be real...You wouldn't get away with that name over here!

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Thursday, July 29, 2004


England is pretty boring, but we do castles fairly well. Leeds Castle is about an hours drive from here. It's a lovely place to visit at any time of the year. The grounds are gorgeous, if you don't get lost in the maze, as I invariably do. Every time. But on November the Fifth, it really comes into it's own.

Bear in mind that few English people ever get to see proper fireworks. Then imagine them reflecting in the castle moat. The last time I went to the display was November before the millennium, and I was pregnant with Tara. It was amazing.

I'm pretty sure the whole thing would be a ruin without American money. There was definitely a marriage between the penniless heir and a Vanderbilt, or Rothschild who was after a title. Whoever it was, I want her bedroom, it's fabulous!

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No. It's just plain WRONG...

If you've been visiting Johnny-Oh's place lately, you'll know I've been planning a costume party to celebrate leaving blogspot. I've also been tireless in my efforts to discover the identity of Evil Glenn's Sidekick. Both these endeavours led me to a certain site where I not only found a picture of The Instason, but THIS VERY WRONG costume .What the HELL was the mother of that child thinking?!

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Sunday, July 25, 2004

Baby Weirdness

When I was a baby, I'm told that my Mom was once so stressed that she had to put me in my crib, close the door, and go take deep breaths. This advice was passed onto me when I was pregnant. But I never felt like that. Despite the fact that my daughter hardly slept. In fact, for the first few days I refused to sleep when she was sleeping at night. I had to watch her. In case she stopped breathing. So, for the first week of her life, I was not only in a very weird place in that I was absolutely INTOXICATED with love, I was also running purely on the adrenaline of my situation. It was scary. I'd been so changed in such a short period of time, that I didn't recognise myself. I couldn't separate my needs from hers.

I'd heard of Post-Natal Depression. This was Post-Natal ELATION. I never once felt anything but overwhelming love for this scrap of humanity that needed me. However. Things happened in the news that had an effect.

Sarah Payne went missing during my pregnancy, and her body was found shortly after I gave birth.
Some poor woman had an epileptic blackout, and microwaved her newborn, instead of the chicken she had been intending to cook. Tragically, no, it wasn't an urban myth.

Every time I thought of these things I'd cry. Then I got scared. I was so unfamiliar with the new person inside my head, the one that was now a mother, that I got worried. At the time, we were living on the third and fourth floors of a building, and I'd think "What if I throw the baby out of the window?". It could happen! I've read about it! She was so unbelievably precious that I covered every eventuality in my fears that I would fail to protect her.Including my becoming insane! I still don't understand it, but upon returning to work, I found it was fairly common!

One lady told me that when her first child was born, they had an open fire, and she used to worry that she'd go mad and throw the baby in. Another had her husband remove his ornamental knives from the wall for the same reason! It's just too weird. And I'll stress again, none of these thoughts were bourne out of intention to harm, but the complete opposite!

If anyone has any theories, or stories to share, they'll be very welcome.

Men, you can shake your heads and mutter "hormones..." ;-)

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Munchkin's Got a Brand New Bag!

Or, rather, I have...
Here is the full, disturbing story.

This happened an hour ago. Alex is out with our daughter, and I'm alone in the house reading one of my favourite blogs.

tap... tap ...tap...

Now I know the Knock of Doom when I hear it. Can I convincingly pretend to be out?
With all the windows open, and music playing? Probably not...

I open the door and there she is. I take Harvey's advice, and speak in short, sharp sentences. Thankfully, I manage to convey the impression that I AM BUSY and I am not able to invite her in. However, it seems her visit is not antisocial!

She thrusts a plastic bag into my hand, saying that our daughter might like what's inside. I'm very apprehensive, as the last thing they gave us was a hideous toy pushchair that their eldest daughter used to play with.(This was promptly named "The Chariot of Evil", and disposed of as quickly as possible) I digress. Inside the bag was a shiny new purse. It had a picture of a kitten on it, and some sequins. These are fashionable over here at the moment.

She said she had just "found it".

If so, why wasn't the receipt in the bag? I mean if someone had dropped it, as she claimed...

Had they stolen it? Had they spent their hard-earned dole money on it? I've no idea. But I don't like this new tactic one bit.

And the fact that it has a kitten on it, given my last post is, just too damn creepy!

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Saturday, July 24, 2004

New Alliance Assignment

This week's task is to discover the identity of Evil Glenn's sidekick , so I got to thinking...

Who would he hang out with? Someone or something with shared interests, likes, DISLIKES even...

It's well known that he has little compassion, shall we say, for our canine friends. Just like our FELINE friends in fact! It's also true that cats are slippery and sly, the "lawyers" of the animal kingdom as it were...

Presenting... Evil Glenn's Cat Blog!

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Here's One For Johnny!

Are You Trailer Trash?

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Thursday, July 22, 2004

Neighbours from Hell / Kentucky?

Blogbrother Johnny-Oh, of Closet Extremist has kindly given us some advice in our hour of need. As I said in his comments, it's a very pleasing mental image...

However, Alex has discovered that they inspire terror not only in Satan, but in Evil Glenn himself!

Being an altruistic sort of person, I've come up with a solution to suit all! I have put together the perfect relocation package. WE'LL be happier. They'll CRETAINLY be happier. Uh, I meant to type "certainly" just then, but I'll leave that in, as it looks like "cretin". Strange...

Here it is:

First they get to move here.

I'll gladly supply a video-guide to the neighbourhood and I'll even throw in one of these!

I can just see them now; frolicking among the pick-up trucks with their illegal firearms, founding an entire dynasty of Munchkins, all of whom are *ahem* "related", and scrawling an "X" next to John Kerry's name on a ballot paper saying "No way I'm votin' for HIM!"

Lets hope they never steal "aquire" a computer.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

When Munchkins Attack!

I barely have the strength to type this, but I have to get it out of my system.

Yes. We had another visit from.....the Munchkins!

They were at the door asking Alex for jump-leads initially. Somehow they managed to worm their way inside by offering to "fix" our door. Alex gave them a packet of cigarettes when it was done, but they STILL refused to leave. This exchange is TRUE, I swear...

She-Munchkin: Is that his dinner?

Me: YES! As we've been telling you, I've been keeping it warm for the last hour.

She-Munchkin: What is it?

Me: Honey and mustard chicken with parsnips, spinach and a cheese sau...It's getting cold again.

She-Munchkin: Have you got a drink?

Me: There's a pub down the road. And a liquor store.

She-Munchkin: So you're not drinking tonight?

Me: No. It's Wednesday. I'm very tired. You've woken our daughter up, and I need to get her back to sleep.

She-Munchkin: (sounding unconcerned) Sorry to wake her up. She's lovely. Lovely little girl.

Me: Yes. But she's had a long day and...Alex hasn't eaten since noon so...

She-Munchkin: So there's no alcohol in the house? You know you're the best friend I ever had and I'll always help you out don't you? (attempts to hug me - Hey! She's met me on three whole occasions!)

Me: GAH! ALEX! Dinner's ready!

She-Munchkin THEN uses the bathroom with the DOOR AJAR as we stand in the hall watching her consort demonstrate the correct locking of our front door to me for the FOURTEENTH TIME, and as we go to usher them out, they dash in to kiss our (now awake and lively) daughter goodnight.

Boudicca left a comment regarding our last ordeal that related to the use of firearms. How I wish we didn't live in a country that imprisons elderly serial victims of break-in's for shooting at career criminal intruders.
The trouble is, that they are neighbours. I'm a typical conciliatory, diplomatic English girl, but Alex is from the north, and doesn't take ANY shit. At all. Unless the consequences upset his family. It's another thing to admire in him that he kept his temper throughout this....

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GAH! Broodiness...

J, of Quibbles and Bits has a beautiful daughter!

I've already got one, but she's out on a pre-school trip to a "Wildlife Park". I'm hoping they don't keep her in.

In the meantime, Alex will be taking full advantage of my "Oooh... a BABY! I want me one of them!" mood...

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Sunday, July 18, 2004

The Munchkin Returns!

Saturday night. Half past nine. Daughter finally asleep. Chinese food has just arrived and then we hear it. Staring at each other in utter horror, we hear it again. The Knock Of Doom!


I almost wished it WAS Evil Glenn.

Hiding in the bedroom, I let Alex deal with it. And BLESSED our new front door with it's handy spy-hole. He came in, whispering, "It's HER. I can just see the top of her head".

Cowering under the covers, I heard a muted exchange. Then he gave her two cigarettes and the door closed.

Apparently, she was gibbering on about not being able to get any money out of the cashpoint, and the pair of them had obviously come home from the pub before closing time, having run out of money.She'd tried to push past him twice! Now these people are (at least) FORTY, not fourteen! What the hell are they doing, begging for a couple of cigarettes?!

I told Alex that maybe next time, he should put the chain on, and then we both had visions of that scam from "Leon", where he's hiding by the doorframe with his bolt-cutters. *shudder*

Given their history, we can't even say "You can't come in. We're in BED"....

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Thank You Dana!

Classic car conversation with kids from Java Diva. How she didn't crash....

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Linky Love

I've finally gotten around to signing Alex's guestbook. Unfortunately, my baby blogbrother got there before me. I don't mind, since he says nice things and posted a fantastic Filthy Lie the other day. I'm sure all you lovely people in the blogosphere wouldn't mind signing also. I'd bribe you with links, but from your comments, I know you enjoy reading him anyway. Besides, he gets more traffic than I do ;)

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Saturday, July 17, 2004

And I used to be such a NICE girl!
I took the quiz on blogbrother's site. Seems Harvey also  got the same result. So it IS heredity. Or maybe it's because Alex hasn't shaved for days... 

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004


The Tard Blog is BACK!

Having been a Grade-School teacher near London, and the Mother of "gollum", I thought this was really funny and well written.

There's one story that says something like "Yes, they're tards, but they're MY tards, and no bitch f**ks with them!

Exactly the way I felt about my pupils. I went to visit them at school the other day (Hadn't seen them since I left at Christmas) and it was a great big huggle-fest, which was lovely.

On a similar note, we got our daughter's Pre-School report today. It was SO accurate, it was as if we'd written it ourselves.

"...is a very friendly, very independent little girl, who expects everyone to respond to her. Sometimes, however, slightly more reserved children can be a little overwhelmed by her "You WILL be my friend" approach"

Actually, I would have taken out the "slightly", and "a little". And added something like "The Witness Protection Programme has several new clients". Oh well. So she likes to lead / win? So she's not "reserved"? She's not bullying or violent. She "bounces through life", they say. Confident, happy, a pain in the ass, and above all...

She's OUR tard!

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Home Movies

I loved Susie's Filthy Lie about Glenn Reynold's documentary. I hope she doesn't mind me using the site to show you an interesting encounter between the Puppy Blender and Harvey. (Sorry about the white beard, blogdad)

Apologies to Susie for inadvertantly stealing her dialogue ( I'd change Evil Glenn's opening statement, but this page is at the mercy of my c**p I.S.P and my E-Mail just ISN'T happening. Still. LOADS of thanks to her. This site is GREAT!

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Encore! Well Done!

Expectant Gollum-owner, J, at Quibbles and Bits tells it like it is about the French!

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Monday, July 12, 2004

Long-Forgotten E-Mail

Yoda on Vacation

Fave line: "Yoda....Such a little pisser he can be"

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Saturday, July 10, 2004

Pass the Chianti!

Which Movie Villain are You?

UPDATE: I've just taken this quiz on behalf of our daughter. Alex walked in, saw the picture of "Gollum" on the screen, and said, "Well there's a surprise..."

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Friday, July 09, 2004

Evil Glenn's FaceParty Profile

Remember Dave? Well, Dave has his own Faceparty profile and I was thinking about dropping him a line just to sympathise with his experiences, until I came across something so terrifying, so horrendous, and so downright, WRONG that my daughter's attention was completely held!

It's too macabre for words....

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Friday, July 02, 2004

Evil Glenn's Independence Day

It's up at Alex's site. A joint effort as usual!

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An insane man and his dead fish.

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UK Flirty and Fun!

So now that I have your attention, I'll disappoint you by saying it's only the name of an AOL chatroom. We got Instant Messenger so we could chat for free in real time on those occasions when Alex was too far away to call. We'd often stop by this chatroom to cause our own brand of havoc, and generally have a laugh. Soon, we got talking to a regular bunch of people, one of whom was "Dave".

Dave was a nice kid, but HOPELESSLY innocent. He would often boast about his on-line girlfriend, who was a teenage model who lived with her multi-millionaire parents in Florida (Can you see where I'm going with this?). We saw her picture, and she came online a couple of times. This had been going on for a couple of months, and Dave was "in love". So Dave decides to go out and stay in their mansion for a fortnight. Bear in mind that this is a 20 year old chicken - factory worker from the north of England who has never even been to London. He uses his life savings to fly to Orlando to see a girl who told him she would tell him her address WHEN HE ARRIVED. He doesn't even have her phone number. So there's poor Dave. Waiting...

We tried and tried to talk him out of going, to no avail. Alex had insisted he book a hotel in case "Ashely" was "delayed", and thankfully, he took that advice.
He flew home the next day. As far as we know, he still believes that Ashely is a real person that let him down, and not just someone sitting at their keyboard playing a practical joke. As Alex said, the day he flew out there: "Dave. Is. Doomed". I feel sorry for the guy, but, what part of "IT'S JUST A COMPUTER SCREEN, ANYONE CAN TYPE ANYTHING" does he not understand? In a way, I'm glad he learnt his lesson, without coming to any real harm.

As soon as our daughter is old enough to type, she'll just have to surf with one of us practically glued to her shoulder....

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