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Friday, June 11, 2004


Mr Capricious wrote this FILTHY LIE whilst I was otherwise engaged watching Big Brother 2004, and worrying about England V France at the weekend.

Please feel free to either hum the "Star Wars" theme, or, alternatively, provide a link ;-)

Blog Wars

Episode V

The Overlord Strikes Back

In the year since the Alliance has attempted to throw off the shackles of the evil Instapundit Empire many small victories have been scored. Small clusters of Blogs have slipped from the Overlords’ grasp although many remain loyal to his nefarious litigious ways. In an attempt to crush the Alliance forever the evil monster lawyer has come up with his most ambitious and daring plan yet…

Castle Glenn – Throne Room

Hideous whistling and whining noises fill the air, along with the hum of many pieces of electrical equipment. The entire room is dominated by a large metallic sphere at the one end, dry ice pouring from the many pipes that are connected to it. The large door at the other end hisses open, Star Trek fashion, admitting a small figure dressed in a gaudy coloured waistcoat and fez. Shadows hide the figure as it approaches the sphere…

Gerald: “Oook ook oooook oook ooooook ook ook!”

The sphere starts to open. Inside there is a towering throne of blackest ice. A hideous malformed figure sits on it. A top hat is lowered upon it’s head, followed by an opera cloak being fastened, socks and sandals are placed onto its feet. The figure grows in stature. A pipe, which seems to have been intravenously feeding it breaks free and noxious liquid splatters the floor.

Glenn: “What is it Gerald?”

Gerald: “Oook ook oooook oook ooooook ook ook!”

Glenn: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh. So everything is proceeding according to plan then? Exxxxcellent… Indeed. Soon, those fools at the Alliance will know the FULL FORCE of the Dark Side! Mwahahahahaha!! Now bring me a fresh puppy so I may gloat some more and bask in my evil glory!”

Alliance HQ – The Vault of Harvey’s Bank

Harvey: “We will be perfectly safe meeting here. No-one ever comes to see me”

Madfish Willie: “ Would that be because you spend all day blogging?”

Harvey: “Erm, no. It’s not that kind of bank… one that opens that is. Anyway, what about the data we received about Glenn’s new weapon?”

Sally: “So he DID answer those emails about penile extensions then?”

Harvey: “It’s not your place to make pervy comments young lady. That’s MY job. No, I mean this new all powerful super weapon he has that spells the end of the Alliance!”

Susie: “Well, we did send GEBIV on one of those Mission Implausible things but I fear that this may have been beyond even him. However, we DO have strong intelligence…”

Madfish Willie: *coughs drink everywhere*

Susie: “As I was saying, we have strong military intelligence…”

Sally: *coughs drink everywhere*

Susie: “Oh, grow up! We have a collection of rumours about this weapon and the StormMonkeys he has guarding it! Unless you have fluent Ape you cannot get anywhere near it!”

Harvey: “Damn him the evil, insidious monster!” *ring ring* “Hello? Yes I KNOW IT’S LAWYER!” *slam*

Sally: “You know, we could always go to Castle Glenn and ask him.”

Madfish Willie: “WHAT? Just march up there, knock on the door and say ‘Hi Glenn, what’s this super weapon then?’

Sally: “That’s exactly what I mean. He’s an evil Internet Overlord.” *ring ring* “Yes. LAWYER! However, being a villain of the highest order…” *ring ring* “Unplug that will you? As I was saying, being a villain of the highest order, he won’t be able to resist bragging to us about his cunning plan!”

Susie: “Ahhhhh. A James Bond style villain you mean?”

Harvey: “I had always pictured Glenn more as a Scooby Doo style one.”

Madfish Willie: “You know, this is just ridiculous enough to work! To the Drunkmobile!”

20 minutes later…
*Screech!!!! Clunk!*

Susie: “Harvey, do you want me to park?”

Harvey: “Is this even the right place? It looks so much more… well, like a Death Star and less like his ancestral Transylvanian home. Instawife must have been watching those Courtney Cox makeover shows.”

Madfish Willie: “So how do we get in?”

Sally: “Let’s have a look at these signs near these bells… Ah! ‘For deliveries, not including puppies ring here. For puppies, ring here. If you are from Utah, ring here for an offer you can’t refuse. For attendance of, or information regarding Black Mass, ring here. For delivery of specialist flightless arctic waterfowl material ring here. If you are looking for my bitch of a Mother, contact “Abused Acres” Residential Home. For involuntary Hobo euthanasia ring here.’ Hmmm… Better not touch those then. ‘For entrance to the new secret super weapon, ring here.’ That would be the one there. Who’s going to ring it then?”

Shuffling and looking at feet

Sally: “So neither of you men, and I use that term loosely, are going to ring this?”

Madfish Willie: “What about the centuries of fighting for equality and all that?”

Susie: “I would accept that if only Harvey would stop trying to look down my top.”

Harvey: “What? Oh, erm, right. OK …

Buzzzzzzzz

Glenn: “Hello?”

Sally: *resisting temptation to run away* “Hi – we’re here about the super weapon.”

Glenn: “About time too! I expected you lot here hours ago to wire this thing in! God, there are only so many puppies I can blend, hobo’s I can ‘help’ and posts I can make. Well, not the post thing but the other things… So, what’s the secret password then?”

Muttering

Sally: “Penguina Pecks Paris?”

Glenn: “That’s it! Right, round to the side entrance. Gerald will show you in.”

2 minutes later…

Sally: “Right. This is it then.”

Madfish Willie: “How can you tell?”

Sally: “There – that sign. ‘New Blog War weapon stored here’. That kind of gave it away.”

Harvey: “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Susie: “You don’t say… anything to do with those monkeys dressed in white armour charging this way?”

Sally: “Damn it! That filthy, conniving, heartless…” *cell “ porn” phone rings* “Can’t he ever let one of those go?”

Inside Castle Glenn Throne Room…

Harvey: “Nice room! Good space in here. Not sure about that metal sphere thing though. Hey! Typical megalomaniac décor though – dank walls, manacles at… ewww penguin height? Ugh!”

Instawife: “Coffee, beer, a Shirley Temple? We so rarely get visitors that aren’t hobo’s these days and they never seem to stay here long.” *Looks at Alliance* “Ah. So you, with the beard, Glenn really likes you and that Frank. Never stops talking about you.”

Sphere opens and out steps the Overlord himself

Glenn: “I KNEW you would fall for it! I knew it! You are all so, well, captured! I have you all now! I can start to torture you!”

Susie: “Ha! We have seen your penguin porn, witnessed you blending puppies and murdering hobo’s! What more can you do that would make us quake?”

Glenn: “Witness!” *steps into the light in leather lederhosen as Germanic music starts* “My crowning glory! You will witness me doing my Bavarian dance!”

Harvey: “You fiend! Yes, I know. Lawyer. This is inhuman! Oh, that’s right. You… you…”

The noise of hands clapping on leather shorts and accordion music fills the air

Madfish Willie: “Enough! Please! Stop! My eyes! My ears! ”

Glenn: “Ha! Now you are at my complete mercy! Just be thankful you are not a penguin at this moment…”

General retching noises

Glenn: “To think that I was worried by you! Nothing can stop my evil plan now…”

Sally: “What would that be?”

Glenn: “Hang on. I haven’t finished gloating yet – I need to make a post about this on my website… Oh it will wait. My plan. Indeed. Heh. Well, it was so simple it is brilliant! How do I get revenge on you, those who have exposed many of my secrets to the world at large, those who have attempted to thwart me in my quest for domination over wretched humanity, those who…”

All: “YES! GET ON WITH IT!”

Glenn: “OK! OK! I have bought you all here because I need you to witness your crushing defeat! I am going to replace you all with Robotic Duplicates! Identical in every way to the originals, but with the aim of posting only NICE things on your blogs about ME, your Overlord! Here, witness my crowning triumph!”

In shuffle rather pathetic looking metallic robots with bits of clothing on. One has a pathetic Pritt sticked false beard.

Susie: “It’s the Dad from Family Ties! Quick, where’s my autograph book?”

Glenn: “Your friends and family will never know the difference! It is genius, even if I do say so myself!”

Madfish Willie: *snicker* "Harvey's wife won't in any case"

Sally: “How do you hope to get away with this?”

Glenn: “Easy! I have left nothing to chance! I will…”

The wall next to Glenn explodes and in bursts GEBIV and his brother

GEBIV: “It’s me! Hurry! I am here to rescue you!”

Instawife: “Oh, thank you! THANK you! These years of tyranny, isolation, penguin abuse…”

GEBIV: “No! Not you, hapless woman! This lot! I have a Hummer outside and all the monkeys are firmly glued to a projection TV showing ‘Planet of the Apes’ and we need to leave before they see the ending.”

Sally: “Quickly! Let’s leave before he gets out from under there…”

A sock and sandal clad foot twitches as the Alliance bravely attempt to escape…


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