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Tuesday, June 22, 2004


The Evil that Men Glenn Do DOES!

It was a nice sunny day, so we took our daughter to the local petting zoo. She loves the lambs and the chickens. When we arrived, we were informed that the chicken-coop was closed due to "a series of unfortunate incidents". Apparently these occurrences involved sightings of a pallid, gaunt figure, resplendent in top-hat, opera-cloak and long socks with sandals. It sounded horribly familiar, so we decided to investigate...

At sundown, we quietly parked the car and hid ourselves under a haystack. Before long, we heard the insidious whine of a French 10 reverse-gear moped and a cloak flapping in the breeze. It was as we suspected! Evil Glenn swooped in and scooped up several terrified birds using a cunningly modified wicker device on the front of his moped! This gave a whole new evil twist to chicken in a basket! The Evil, Filthy, BASTARD! *ring ring* Damn! We had forgotten to turn off the porn phone. Emerging from the hay, I confronted The Dark One...

Sally: What ARE you doing?

Evil Glenn: I'm stealing chickens of course!

Sally: But, WHY?

Evil Glenn: Because I am Evil Glenn Reynolds...I do as I please!

Sally: Is that the REAL reason?

Evil Glenn: Heh. You would make a good lawyer... I mean Filthy Monster.

Sally: Stop stalling and 'fess!

Evil Glenn: Well, you know how it is, you gotta keep pushing those boundaries of baseless inhumanity or life just gets dull. I should know. I've been around long enough...

Sally: I suppose it goes without saying that you find it diabolically amusing to abduct chickens from a children's zoo?

Evil Glenn: Yes! I stole the last one from a mountain family in Virginia. After all, I can't be tolerating people escaping starvation who might grow up to threaten my exalted position! Muhahahahahaha!

Sally: Why CHICKENS though...

Evil Glenn: *looks shiftier than usual* I, ummm, I NEED them for, uh, things....

Sally: Wait! What's that necklace you're wearing? Why, it looks like it's made of, of....Glenn! Are they human BONES?!

Evil Glenn: Well you can't say I'm not doing my bit to solve the Homeless Problem!

Sally: Bones.... Chickens.... Oh my GOD! Of COURSE! You're practicing Voodoo! You foul, demonic LAWYER!

Evil Glenn: That's WITCHDOCTOR Reynolds to you! I bought myself an honorary degree from the University of Haiti I'll have you know! Now get out of my way. Darkness is upon us, and I have ritual killings things to do! There are all kinds of benefits being a practitioner you know...

Sally: Like what?

Evil Glenn: Well there is that voodoo powder for making zombies! I was going to turn Harvey into a mindless salivating Servant of Evil but he only did one year at law school so that is no good. Then there are the Voodoo dolls, but getting hair from you lot is really difficult as I cannot get into your homes uninvited. However, I can curse anyone you want for a fee - look at what I did to Dubya! You think he's like that ON PURPOSE?? Thank you for your cash Senator Kerry!!!

Sally: You're on John Kerry's payroll? I might have guessed...

Evil Glenn: Oh, we're friends from way back, but business is business! I suppose you've heard how we're plotting to rig the election...

Sally: WHAT?!

Evil Glenn: Damn! Forget you heard that...

Sally: Don't think you can get away with this!

Evil Glenn: I'm DR Glenn! I can do whatever I want! Indeed!

Slamming his moped into one of it's reverse gears and putting on his tricolour top hat he glided off into the night, a trail of chicken feathers and used Francs marking his passage....


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