Monday, June 14, 2004

Evil Glenn's Father's Day (A Filthy Lie)

Following the example of several Alliance members, I decided that the direct approach was best. Not having a Blogless Brother to hand, I swiftly invented one, and called him, um, "Fictional Blogless Brother" (F.B.B) That done, I went down to my parent's basement and prepared myself for the retina scan.


I was in! Thank God for that Fictional D.N.A match.

F.B.B: Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Sally: I brought you some food new hard drives.

F.B.B: Cool! So what DO you want? Don't tell me...It's an Alliance assignment right?

Sally: Evil Glenn's Father's Day? Can you hack...?

F.B.B: I'm WAY ahead of you. It seems that Evil Glenn is SO competitive that he makes his children use a ZX81!

Sally: Of all the FOUL and despicable... (ring ring) *turns phone off*

F.B.B: However, I DID manage to hack into the computer the Instason uses at school. He keeps a diary on it. It's pretty sad reading...

And it was as follows....

6:00 Woke up

6:02 Brought Mother her Valium

6:10 Ensured the heavy draperies were closed in The Throne Room

6:15 Brought Father Energy-Drink in bed his coffin.

6:16 Reminded Father that I was his Son, not "Prey"

6:20 Typed a couple hundred more B.A.S.I.C commands into the ZX81

7:30 Brought Father his pipe and slippers socks and sandals

7:40 Did household chores: Hosed down the dungeons; dug graves; de-furred blender.

9:00 E-mailed Father from Internet Cafe

9:30 Gave up waiting for a reply and kicked a Hobo all the way down the street

10:00 Re-introduced myself to Father. He looked blank, but made nine posts!

10:59 Made it to Black Mass in The Great Hall with one minute to spare!

12:03 Took out frustration on the Frank J Punchbag in the cellar

12:30 Stole Father's moped and glided off to Internet Cafe to send him a Father's Day Penguina X edition E-Card

12:31 Decided to buy Father a shiny new Top Hat and Cloak. Visited the fancy dress shop but no luck.

1:00 Went to the local bookstore and bought a Hoboskin bound special edition of "I Mao".

1:45 Found Father in the Throne Room watching birth video. Horror! Instadaughter had gone and transfered it to DVD as a Father's day gift! He was trying to freeze-frame it so he could see was he was typing at the time and link it.

1:46 Father was quite vocal about his present from me. Said "heh" TWICE!

1:50 Mother walked in, glanced at the screen and started screaming uncontrollably , so she had to be carted off to the Sunny Von Bulow clinic. Again. So no Sunday lunch then....

2:00 Father suggested South Korean takeout instead. I had the Beagle burger. Father had Toy Poodle tartare.He claims French dogs are more tender. Apparently Poodles are too worried about their coiffures to run about developing muscle...Instadaughter went for the ChowChow Mein which pleased Father: "Classic Commie cuisine....Indeed"

2:30 Spent another couple of hours with the ZX81. I shouldn't complain really. When I was born, Father was still on dial-up!

5:00 As an extra Father's Day surprise, I staged a dance recital using his Alliance Robots which I had programmed the day before. Father couldn't help but join in!

7:00 A few of Father's closest associates came round for a drink. Darth Vader is much shorter in real life. I didn't get to meet Lord Voldemort because apparently he gets REALLY agitated around boys of my age...

Sally: I don't want to see any more! The VILE, inhuman, LAWYER! Who the HELL wrote THIS about him and how much did he pay them?

F.B.B: Should I photoshop that to read "Mild-Mannered law professor becomes Puppy-blending, hobo-whacking, Commie-praising etc... etc...Dark Internet Overlord?"

Sally: Why not? That's why I made you up!

* * * * *

So there's my Filthy lie. All is not well with The Reynolds Family, and Glenn is even MORE Evil than I had ever dared to imagine. A ZX81, for God's sake....

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