Friday, June 25, 2004

A Collection Of Evil Glenn Quotes:

This collection of quotes is drawn from Evil Glenn's forthcoming book "How to dominate the Blogosphere, Gain enemies, and Influence People". Amongst this work-in-progress on the Travel-Throne laptop he left behind that time was a section subtitled "A Collection of Diabolically Evil Sayings"

(i) Don't say anything. Knock on the door and run away! Muhahahahaha!

(ii) The correct response when caught with a bloodstained baseball bat and a car trunk in need of hosing is to say "I thought mercy-killing was legal in this State"

(iii) When your wife finds you in a compromising position with penguin literature, blame Harvey, whilst exclaiming "This isn't Playboy!"

(iv) Any Filthy Lie can be countered by the emphatic statement "LAWYER!"

(v) Any despicable behaviour can be similarly excused. In fact, I've found it's positively rewarded!

(vi) If asked, when you've parked your moped in a disabled space, if you are afflicted in any way, just point to your cloak and top hat. It works every time.

(vii) Speeding past the orphanage shouting "Who's your Daddy?!" is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

(viii) "Vive La France!"

(ix) "I love the smell of fresh blended puppies in the morning. It's the smell of victory."

(x) When questioned about your religious inclinations, and asked if you know "The Lord's Prayer", do NOT reply "Of course! I can say it backwards! Indeed!"

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Evil Glenn's New Father's Day Tie

I hacked into Instason's ZX81 and found THIS!
Oh, alright, I'm making it up....
(Hat tip to Harvey's Beloved Blogless Wife for the site)

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

The Evil that Men Glenn Do DOES!

It was a nice sunny day, so we took our daughter to the local petting zoo. She loves the lambs and the chickens. When we arrived, we were informed that the chicken-coop was closed due to "a series of unfortunate incidents". Apparently these occurrences involved sightings of a pallid, gaunt figure, resplendent in top-hat, opera-cloak and long socks with sandals. It sounded horribly familiar, so we decided to investigate...

At sundown, we quietly parked the car and hid ourselves under a haystack. Before long, we heard the insidious whine of a French 10 reverse-gear moped and a cloak flapping in the breeze. It was as we suspected! Evil Glenn swooped in and scooped up several terrified birds using a cunningly modified wicker device on the front of his moped! This gave a whole new evil twist to chicken in a basket! The Evil, Filthy, BASTARD! *ring ring* Damn! We had forgotten to turn off the porn phone. Emerging from the hay, I confronted The Dark One...

Sally: What ARE you doing?

Evil Glenn: I'm stealing chickens of course!

Sally: But, WHY?

Evil Glenn: Because I am Evil Glenn Reynolds...I do as I please!

Sally: Is that the REAL reason?

Evil Glenn: Heh. You would make a good lawyer... I mean Filthy Monster.

Sally: Stop stalling and 'fess!

Evil Glenn: Well, you know how it is, you gotta keep pushing those boundaries of baseless inhumanity or life just gets dull. I should know. I've been around long enough...

Sally: I suppose it goes without saying that you find it diabolically amusing to abduct chickens from a children's zoo?

Evil Glenn: Yes! I stole the last one from a mountain family in Virginia. After all, I can't be tolerating people escaping starvation who might grow up to threaten my exalted position! Muhahahahahaha!

Sally: Why CHICKENS though...

Evil Glenn: *looks shiftier than usual* I, ummm, I NEED them for, uh, things....

Sally: Wait! What's that necklace you're wearing? Why, it looks like it's made of, of....Glenn! Are they human BONES?!

Evil Glenn: Well you can't say I'm not doing my bit to solve the Homeless Problem!

Sally: Bones.... Chickens.... Oh my GOD! Of COURSE! You're practicing Voodoo! You foul, demonic LAWYER!

Evil Glenn: That's WITCHDOCTOR Reynolds to you! I bought myself an honorary degree from the University of Haiti I'll have you know! Now get out of my way. Darkness is upon us, and I have ritual killings things to do! There are all kinds of benefits being a practitioner you know...

Sally: Like what?

Evil Glenn: Well there is that voodoo powder for making zombies! I was going to turn Harvey into a mindless salivating Servant of Evil but he only did one year at law school so that is no good. Then there are the Voodoo dolls, but getting hair from you lot is really difficult as I cannot get into your homes uninvited. However, I can curse anyone you want for a fee - look at what I did to Dubya! You think he's like that ON PURPOSE?? Thank you for your cash Senator Kerry!!!

Sally: You're on John Kerry's payroll? I might have guessed...

Evil Glenn: Oh, we're friends from way back, but business is business! I suppose you've heard how we're plotting to rig the election...

Sally: WHAT?!

Evil Glenn: Damn! Forget you heard that...

Sally: Don't think you can get away with this!

Evil Glenn: I'm DR Glenn! I can do whatever I want! Indeed!

Slamming his moped into one of it's reverse gears and putting on his tricolour top hat he glided off into the night, a trail of chicken feathers and used Francs marking his passage....

Permalink | Pre Haloscan 1 | |

Monday, June 14, 2004

Evil Glenn's Father's Day (A Filthy Lie)

Following the example of several Alliance members, I decided that the direct approach was best. Not having a Blogless Brother to hand, I swiftly invented one, and called him, um, "Fictional Blogless Brother" (F.B.B) That done, I went down to my parent's basement and prepared myself for the retina scan.


I was in! Thank God for that Fictional D.N.A match.

F.B.B: Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Sally: I brought you some food new hard drives.

F.B.B: Cool! So what DO you want? Don't tell me...It's an Alliance assignment right?

Sally: Evil Glenn's Father's Day? Can you hack...?

F.B.B: I'm WAY ahead of you. It seems that Evil Glenn is SO competitive that he makes his children use a ZX81!

Sally: Of all the FOUL and despicable... (ring ring) *turns phone off*

F.B.B: However, I DID manage to hack into the computer the Instason uses at school. He keeps a diary on it. It's pretty sad reading...

And it was as follows....

6:00 Woke up

6:02 Brought Mother her Valium

6:10 Ensured the heavy draperies were closed in The Throne Room

6:15 Brought Father Energy-Drink in bed his coffin.

6:16 Reminded Father that I was his Son, not "Prey"

6:20 Typed a couple hundred more B.A.S.I.C commands into the ZX81

7:30 Brought Father his pipe and slippers socks and sandals

7:40 Did household chores: Hosed down the dungeons; dug graves; de-furred blender.

9:00 E-mailed Father from Internet Cafe

9:30 Gave up waiting for a reply and kicked a Hobo all the way down the street

10:00 Re-introduced myself to Father. He looked blank, but made nine posts!

10:59 Made it to Black Mass in The Great Hall with one minute to spare!

12:03 Took out frustration on the Frank J Punchbag in the cellar

12:30 Stole Father's moped and glided off to Internet Cafe to send him a Father's Day Penguina X edition E-Card

12:31 Decided to buy Father a shiny new Top Hat and Cloak. Visited the fancy dress shop but no luck.

1:00 Went to the local bookstore and bought a Hoboskin bound special edition of "I Mao".

1:45 Found Father in the Throne Room watching birth video. Horror! Instadaughter had gone and transfered it to DVD as a Father's day gift! He was trying to freeze-frame it so he could see was he was typing at the time and link it.

1:46 Father was quite vocal about his present from me. Said "heh" TWICE!

1:50 Mother walked in, glanced at the screen and started screaming uncontrollably , so she had to be carted off to the Sunny Von Bulow clinic. Again. So no Sunday lunch then....

2:00 Father suggested South Korean takeout instead. I had the Beagle burger. Father had Toy Poodle tartare.He claims French dogs are more tender. Apparently Poodles are too worried about their coiffures to run about developing muscle...Instadaughter went for the ChowChow Mein which pleased Father: "Classic Commie cuisine....Indeed"

2:30 Spent another couple of hours with the ZX81. I shouldn't complain really. When I was born, Father was still on dial-up!

5:00 As an extra Father's Day surprise, I staged a dance recital using his Alliance Robots which I had programmed the day before. Father couldn't help but join in!

7:00 A few of Father's closest associates came round for a drink. Darth Vader is much shorter in real life. I didn't get to meet Lord Voldemort because apparently he gets REALLY agitated around boys of my age...

Sally: I don't want to see any more! The VILE, inhuman, LAWYER! Who the HELL wrote THIS about him and how much did he pay them?

F.B.B: Should I photoshop that to read "Mild-Mannered law professor becomes Puppy-blending, hobo-whacking, Commie-praising etc... etc...Dark Internet Overlord?"

Sally: Why not? That's why I made you up!

* * * * *

So there's my Filthy lie. All is not well with The Reynolds Family, and Glenn is even MORE Evil than I had ever dared to imagine. A ZX81, for God's sake....

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Friday, June 11, 2004

Another Beckham Joke

(As told by Becks himself)

David is at a casino in Madrid.
He puts money into the machine and out pops a can of Coke.
He puts more money in, and gets a can of Sprite.
David feeds even MORE silver in, and is rewarded by a can of Tango.

When a team mate comes up to him saying "May I?", he says, "Can you not see I'm winning?"

Permalink | Pre Haloscan 0 | |

Mr Capricious wrote this FILTHY LIE whilst I was otherwise engaged watching Big Brother 2004, and worrying about England V France at the weekend.

Please feel free to either hum the "Star Wars" theme, or, alternatively, provide a link ;-)

Blog Wars

Episode V

The Overlord Strikes Back

In the year since the Alliance has attempted to throw off the shackles of the evil Instapundit Empire many small victories have been scored. Small clusters of Blogs have slipped from the Overlords’ grasp although many remain loyal to his nefarious litigious ways. In an attempt to crush the Alliance forever the evil monster lawyer has come up with his most ambitious and daring plan yet…

Castle Glenn – Throne Room

Hideous whistling and whining noises fill the air, along with the hum of many pieces of electrical equipment. The entire room is dominated by a large metallic sphere at the one end, dry ice pouring from the many pipes that are connected to it. The large door at the other end hisses open, Star Trek fashion, admitting a small figure dressed in a gaudy coloured waistcoat and fez. Shadows hide the figure as it approaches the sphere…

Gerald: “Oook ook oooook oook ooooook ook ook!”

The sphere starts to open. Inside there is a towering throne of blackest ice. A hideous malformed figure sits on it. A top hat is lowered upon it’s head, followed by an opera cloak being fastened, socks and sandals are placed onto its feet. The figure grows in stature. A pipe, which seems to have been intravenously feeding it breaks free and noxious liquid splatters the floor.

Glenn: “What is it Gerald?”

Gerald: “Oook ook oooook oook ooooook ook ook!”

Glenn: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh. So everything is proceeding according to plan then? Exxxxcellent… Indeed. Soon, those fools at the Alliance will know the FULL FORCE of the Dark Side! Mwahahahahaha!! Now bring me a fresh puppy so I may gloat some more and bask in my evil glory!”

Alliance HQ – The Vault of Harvey’s Bank

Harvey: “We will be perfectly safe meeting here. No-one ever comes to see me”

Madfish Willie: “ Would that be because you spend all day blogging?”

Harvey: “Erm, no. It’s not that kind of bank… one that opens that is. Anyway, what about the data we received about Glenn’s new weapon?”

Sally: “So he DID answer those emails about penile extensions then?”

Harvey: “It’s not your place to make pervy comments young lady. That’s MY job. No, I mean this new all powerful super weapon he has that spells the end of the Alliance!”

Susie: “Well, we did send GEBIV on one of those Mission Implausible things but I fear that this may have been beyond even him. However, we DO have strong intelligence…”

Madfish Willie: *coughs drink everywhere*

Susie: “As I was saying, we have strong military intelligence…”

Sally: *coughs drink everywhere*

Susie: “Oh, grow up! We have a collection of rumours about this weapon and the StormMonkeys he has guarding it! Unless you have fluent Ape you cannot get anywhere near it!”

Harvey: “Damn him the evil, insidious monster!” *ring ring* “Hello? Yes I KNOW IT’S LAWYER!” *slam*

Sally: “You know, we could always go to Castle Glenn and ask him.”

Madfish Willie: “WHAT? Just march up there, knock on the door and say ‘Hi Glenn, what’s this super weapon then?’

Sally: “That’s exactly what I mean. He’s an evil Internet Overlord.” *ring ring* “Yes. LAWYER! However, being a villain of the highest order…” *ring ring* “Unplug that will you? As I was saying, being a villain of the highest order, he won’t be able to resist bragging to us about his cunning plan!”

Susie: “Ahhhhh. A James Bond style villain you mean?”

Harvey: “I had always pictured Glenn more as a Scooby Doo style one.”

Madfish Willie: “You know, this is just ridiculous enough to work! To the Drunkmobile!”

20 minutes later…
*Screech!!!! Clunk!*

Susie: “Harvey, do you want me to park?”

Harvey: “Is this even the right place? It looks so much more… well, like a Death Star and less like his ancestral Transylvanian home. Instawife must have been watching those Courtney Cox makeover shows.”

Madfish Willie: “So how do we get in?”

Sally: “Let’s have a look at these signs near these bells… Ah! ‘For deliveries, not including puppies ring here. For puppies, ring here. If you are from Utah, ring here for an offer you can’t refuse. For attendance of, or information regarding Black Mass, ring here. For delivery of specialist flightless arctic waterfowl material ring here. If you are looking for my bitch of a Mother, contact “Abused Acres” Residential Home. For involuntary Hobo euthanasia ring here.’ Hmmm… Better not touch those then. ‘For entrance to the new secret super weapon, ring here.’ That would be the one there. Who’s going to ring it then?”

Shuffling and looking at feet

Sally: “So neither of you men, and I use that term loosely, are going to ring this?”

Madfish Willie: “What about the centuries of fighting for equality and all that?”

Susie: “I would accept that if only Harvey would stop trying to look down my top.”

Harvey: “What? Oh, erm, right. OK …


Glenn: “Hello?”

Sally: *resisting temptation to run away* “Hi – we’re here about the super weapon.”

Glenn: “About time too! I expected you lot here hours ago to wire this thing in! God, there are only so many puppies I can blend, hobo’s I can ‘help’ and posts I can make. Well, not the post thing but the other things… So, what’s the secret password then?”


Sally: “Penguina Pecks Paris?”

Glenn: “That’s it! Right, round to the side entrance. Gerald will show you in.”

2 minutes later…

Sally: “Right. This is it then.”

Madfish Willie: “How can you tell?”

Sally: “There – that sign. ‘New Blog War weapon stored here’. That kind of gave it away.”

Harvey: “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Susie: “You don’t say… anything to do with those monkeys dressed in white armour charging this way?”

Sally: “Damn it! That filthy, conniving, heartless…” *cell “ porn” phone rings* “Can’t he ever let one of those go?”

Inside Castle Glenn Throne Room…

Harvey: “Nice room! Good space in here. Not sure about that metal sphere thing though. Hey! Typical megalomaniac décor though – dank walls, manacles at… ewww penguin height? Ugh!”

Instawife: “Coffee, beer, a Shirley Temple? We so rarely get visitors that aren’t hobo’s these days and they never seem to stay here long.” *Looks at Alliance* “Ah. So you, with the beard, Glenn really likes you and that Frank. Never stops talking about you.”

Sphere opens and out steps the Overlord himself

Glenn: “I KNEW you would fall for it! I knew it! You are all so, well, captured! I have you all now! I can start to torture you!”

Susie: “Ha! We have seen your penguin porn, witnessed you blending puppies and murdering hobo’s! What more can you do that would make us quake?”

Glenn: “Witness!” *steps into the light in leather lederhosen as Germanic music starts* “My crowning glory! You will witness me doing my Bavarian dance!”

Harvey: “You fiend! Yes, I know. Lawyer. This is inhuman! Oh, that’s right. You… you…”

The noise of hands clapping on leather shorts and accordion music fills the air

Madfish Willie: “Enough! Please! Stop! My eyes! My ears! ”

Glenn: “Ha! Now you are at my complete mercy! Just be thankful you are not a penguin at this moment…”

General retching noises

Glenn: “To think that I was worried by you! Nothing can stop my evil plan now…”

Sally: “What would that be?”

Glenn: “Hang on. I haven’t finished gloating yet – I need to make a post about this on my website… Oh it will wait. My plan. Indeed. Heh. Well, it was so simple it is brilliant! How do I get revenge on you, those who have exposed many of my secrets to the world at large, those who have attempted to thwart me in my quest for domination over wretched humanity, those who…”


Glenn: “OK! OK! I have bought you all here because I need you to witness your crushing defeat! I am going to replace you all with Robotic Duplicates! Identical in every way to the originals, but with the aim of posting only NICE things on your blogs about ME, your Overlord! Here, witness my crowning triumph!”

In shuffle rather pathetic looking metallic robots with bits of clothing on. One has a pathetic Pritt sticked false beard.

Susie: “It’s the Dad from Family Ties! Quick, where’s my autograph book?”

Glenn: “Your friends and family will never know the difference! It is genius, even if I do say so myself!”

Madfish Willie: *snicker* "Harvey's wife won't in any case"

Sally: “How do you hope to get away with this?”

Glenn: “Easy! I have left nothing to chance! I will…”

The wall next to Glenn explodes and in bursts GEBIV and his brother

GEBIV: “It’s me! Hurry! I am here to rescue you!”

Instawife: “Oh, thank you! THANK you! These years of tyranny, isolation, penguin abuse…”

GEBIV: “No! Not you, hapless woman! This lot! I have a Hummer outside and all the monkeys are firmly glued to a projection TV showing ‘Planet of the Apes’ and we need to leave before they see the ending.”

Sally: “Quickly! Let’s leave before he gets out from under there…”

A sock and sandal clad foot twitches as the Alliance bravely attempt to escape…

Permalink | Pre Haloscan 0 | |

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

That Reminds Me...

I went to Spain when I was nine. We had a great apartment. The tapwater had sand in it, but this was a GOOD thing, as it meant instant exfoliation upon showering (I kept that tan all year!)

The only "problem" was the guys upstairs.
We were never sure how many of them there were.
They all had moustaches, and wore faux-leopardskin "Posing Pouches"
They made a lot of noise at night.

When my Mother mentioned this to the landlord, she was told, (imagine Spanish accent)

"Oh, they are the HAPPY people!"
"Yes! HAPPY! They have no wives, Si?"
"Oh, so they're happy because they're not married?"
"Si Signora! HAPPY!"

I wonder to this day whether the penny ever dropped for my Mother....

Permalink | Pre Haloscan 1 | |

Thursday, June 03, 2004

The Instapundit T-Shirt Babe (A Filthy Lie)

It was late at night, and we were settling down to watch a film.


There was only one person it could be...

"We're not going to answer the door, Glenn, so just go away for God's sake!" I yelled.

A faint rustling noise from outside complete with muted cursing...

"Are you STILL there, you... you... LAWYER?"

"Indeed. My Opera Cloak seems to be caught in the door"

Trapped!!! We had him. The truth about the Instapundit T-Shirt was within reach.

"O.K. We'll let you go if you tell us about your new E.G.I products"

"Heh. You don't want to know, believe me"

"I don't think I could be any more shocked than I was by this, Glenn", I answered bravely.

"No? Go here then, or even better, HERE!" he cackled.

He really WAS the personification of all that is Vile and Unholy...

Barely managing not to faint with horror, I composed myself enough to specify " T-Shirts....PLEASE, the new T-Shirts ONLY"

"Well personally I like to wear one of these when I'm making spaghetti sauce or blending a puppy, but, since you ask, I do have a shortlist of applicants. I couldn't decide between the top-hatted one or the little minx in the cloak , so I've chosen a human lady instead. When I've photoshopped a few feathers and a lovely shiny yellow beak on her she'll be just perfect. Mmmmm....."

Shuddering, I went to the page he directed me to. Whatever could he mean? Oh NO! Surely even Glenn wouldn't stoop to defacing such a beautiful woman!

"You'll never get away with that, Reynolds, NEVER!" I cried hoped.

Oh God, this man was truly MONSTROUS...

"LITIGIOUS!", I heard him shout, as he ripped his cloak in the door and ran off laughing....

Permalink | Pre Haloscan 1 | |

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