Friday, May 28, 2004

Evil Glenn’s Job Interview (A Filthy Lie)

Evil Glenn was at it again. Already tonight he had knocked at the door and fled into the night, the patter of sandal-clad feet slapping off into the distance. By the third time we had some garlic ready and flung it at the foul beast lawyer. Squealing like a French schoolgirl he ran off, dropping something on the ground.

It was his travel throne, complete with built in laptop! Incredulous at the luck that had befallen us we eagerly started it up, typing in the obvious password: “Penguina Pecks Paris”. Opening his Inbox, ignoring the spam e-mails advertising Penile Extensions, which, curiously, had not been deleted, we found evidence of various interviews the Internet Overlord had attended in his 212 years. Here are some of the better ones:

To: Glenn Reynolds (Evil_Internet_Overlord@TotalDomination.Com)
From: HR@Microsoft.com
Re: Job Application

Dear Sir,

As I am sure you are aware, we here at Microsoft are always looking for talented individuals who bring something unique to the company. Upon reviewing your résumé and choice of role, that of CEO of Microsoft, I regret to inform you that whilst your application was certainly unique, it failed utterly to convey any talent what-so-ever. Whereas we can appreciate how, upon cursory reading,” megalomaniac” COULD be confused with being CEO we do not feel that ‘encouraging employees to participate in Black Mass’ could be construed as promoting a better working environment…..

To: Glenn the Compassionate (Solutions_For_The_Homeless@Reynolds.com)
From: Jobs@Amnesty.International.Com
Re: Voluntary Work

Thank you for your interest in our cause. However we do feel that you may have misinterpreted the nature of ‘solving the homeless problem’ and we urge you to seek immediate psychiatric help.

To: Professor Penguin Reynolds (Cuddly_Cute_Penguin@Feathery.com)
From: Security@MemphisZoo.com
Re: Position of zookeeper – aquatic birds division

We were most intrigued by your interview technique. Your extensive and exhaustive knowledge of the most intimate behaviour of every sub-species of penguin was startling and somewhat disturbing. We have passed the tape onto the relevant authorities….

To: Stylish Glenn (Socks_and_sandals_rule@fashion.reynolds.com)
From: GQ Magazine
Re: Editorial Application

The position of editor requires an understanding of sartorial elegance as well as a finger on the pulse of current fashion. During the first interview we admit to having high hopes as we felt that the combination of top hat, opera cloak along with socks and sandals could have represented a radical new fashion direction. The second interview confirmed our worst fears – white sneakers with black jeans showed that not only do you not have your finger on the pulse of fashion you have neither fingers nor pulse…..

To: Lawyer (vile_despicable_fiend@instapundit.com)
From: Harvey Olson
Re: Job Application

I am sure that your contributions to the Human Resources department would be interesting to say the least. However this bank deals in money and NOT in blood. After no consideration what-so-ever I have rejected your application utterly. Might I add that referring to a prospective employer as "Currency Freak" in your e-mail did not help your application.

To: Knocking Glenn (Doorbells_are_stupid@runaway.com)
From: No Way! Products (Increase_your_sales@Noway.com)
Re: Improving your earning potential

Following your trial period selling No Way! products door-to-door we regret to inform you that you have failed to earn a single cent in commission thus far. We would advise you that in order to increase your sales figures, you actually have to remain AT the door rather than running away or gliding off on your Moped…..

To: Glenn Affleck (Lord_of_the_Underworld@EGIStarFinders.com)
From: Casting@universalstudios.com
Re: Lead Role in remake of Dracula

We were thrilled with your screen test! You really brought the character to life. Despite the limited time in wardrobe and make-up available, you were able to recreate the look perfectly. However this movie does involve a certain amount of time doing daylight shooting and our Insurers for this picture are refusing to cover the eventuality of you turning to dust, as was indicated as you fled the set in the early hours....

The following two emails contained good news for the Instapundit!

To: Darth Glenn the Unmerciful (HarvardAlumni@Leeches.com)
From: Litigation.or.death@moneyfornothing.com
Re: Partnership

As one of the United States most successful law firms, we had to make several background checks following your interview as was indicated to you upon applying. Having checked The Alliance website for details of any nefarious practices you may be involved in, I am pleased to say that you have all of the qualities we are looking for! Given this information, we would be delighted to offer you a full partnership. Congratulations!

To: Head Chef Glenn (Puppies.Taste.Sweet@Blendthem.com)
From: Hr@YipWhirrSipSouthKoreanDeli.com
Re: Senior Chef Vacancy

Honourable Glenn,

Thank you so much for your application. We were delighted to interview someone with such a complete understanding of the more adventurous side of our cuisine. The kitchen devices and new recipes were astounding! We have no hesitation in offering you the position of Head Chef. We look forward to seeing you again!

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