Friday, May 21, 2004

Evil Glenn’s Children – A Filthy Lie

Late the other night, when I was sitting at the computer researching what Evil Glenn might call his children I was disturbed by a knock at the door. I was somewhat surprised as I was not expecting any visitors. I opened the door a little and there, resplendent in Top Hat, Opera Cloak with Socks and Sandals lurked the Internet Overlord himself! He looked weary.

“What do YOU want?” I asked in a trembling voice

“I heard about the latest puny Alliance assignment. I tire of these Pathetic Filthy Lies and their uncanny ability to hit on the truth without realising it.” Pausing, he took a drink out of a hip flask which seemed to restore his flagging energy. “I thought that, as a semi-enlisted member of the Alliance, I should show you the real story. That way you can make up your own mind. Indeed.” He peered over my shoulder, looking around. “May I come in?”

“How did you get my address?”, I said warily.

“Oh I’m often in the neighbourhood. Despite my advanced age, I still find it highly amusing to knock on doors and run away. Elderly people with hip replacements and lots of stairs to get down are my prey of choice….but busy mothers are also fun. I regularly enjoy making frightening shapes outside your daughter’s bedroom window ten minutes after your own bedroom light has gone out “

“So YOU’RE the reason she’s an only child, you sick degenerate…”

“That’s Lawyer to you.”

“Look… Mr Capricious will be back soon after midnight from his Vampire Hunting so you had better make this quick.”

Reaching inside of his cloak, Evil Glenn produced a video cassette. “Are you SURE I cannot come in? You might want to see what’s on this.”

“No you can’t! A video? Not some of your penguin porn ? I’m not falling for that one either.” I thought for a moment. “Wait here.”

With some effort I moved the TV and the VCR into the hallway. Checking to make sure Glenn had not spotted our new puppy (he was busy with what looked like a battery powered blender) I set it up so that I could view the tape and watch him at the same time.

“I’d offer you a seat, but…”
“I understand. Not to worry. I brought my Travel-Throne .It has a built-in laptop so I can keep posting wherever I am…”
I was beginning to get impatient.

“Hand it over then.” He gave me the contents of the blender. “Ugh! No, the tape please.” Carefully he passed it to me. I slotted it into VCR and pressed ‘Play’. A few seconds of disturbing arctic waterfowl images were replaced with a dark, grainy picture.

“Sorry about the quality. I forget that mere mortals have no night-vision.”

The screen crackled into life. From the gloom emerged a Crypt, heavy with shadow, the only light being provided by tall black candles. In the centre of the room, within a huge pentagram was a circular birthing pool filled with the blackest ice. A young woman within the pool was moaning in obvious discomfort. The camera panned away and there sat Evil Glenn tapping away on an archaic laptop.

“What in God’s name is this?” I gasped

“It’s the InstaTwins birth video!” he answered proudly, beaming from ear to ear.

“It’s WHAT?”

“Well, when you’re born of a jackal like me, it’s nice to have a record of your own kids entry into the world. Besides, I was busy building my Evil Empire at the time"

“You’re related to HIM?”

“Indeed. And those aren’t just his fox-hounds” he chuckled evilly.

“Twins you say? And their names are…?”

“All in good time…” Glenn gestured back to the screen.

I looked back to the film. The camera had gone back to the woman. “PLEASE stop posting Glenn”, moaned the InstaWife. “I need some drugs here for God’s sake!”

”Heh. I gave you enough of those to get you to the altar in the first place. Here, have some of my high energy drink. 100% natural ingredients!” Tap… tap… tap… “Speaking of altars, hurry it up! I am missing Black Mass and it is getting to the best part where…”

A moan from the InstaWife bought the camera back round. “Glenn!! I think they’re coming…”

“Shush… my dial-up connection is about to time out. Do you have any idea of the strings I had to pull to get internet access here?"

Then the screen went blank. The tape had ended. I was numb with horror. “So Glenn,” I asked in a shaking voice “The names? Just tell me! It’s getting late, I’m tired and you did say you wanted to help.”

“Indeed! Gone midnight I believe…” he cackled maliciously.

He had tricked me! I had missed the deadline! I looked round but he had gone, vanished into the night. The fiend had taken my puppy too! Looking out into the darkness I could see no sign of him. Even the video had combusted, leaving no trace. I slammed the door and raged at him. "You FOUL INHUMAN..."

I could hear him shout “LAWYER”, as he clattered my elderly neighbour’s letterbox and ran off laughing...

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