Monday, May 31, 2004

The Sheer HORROR!

Whilst doing research for the latest Alliance Assignment, I came across this disturbing footage. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to hide under the sofa....

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Friday, May 28, 2004

Evil Glenn’s Job Interview (A Filthy Lie)

Evil Glenn was at it again. Already tonight he had knocked at the door and fled into the night, the patter of sandal-clad feet slapping off into the distance. By the third time we had some garlic ready and flung it at the foul beast lawyer. Squealing like a French schoolgirl he ran off, dropping something on the ground.

It was his travel throne, complete with built in laptop! Incredulous at the luck that had befallen us we eagerly started it up, typing in the obvious password: “Penguina Pecks Paris”. Opening his Inbox, ignoring the spam e-mails advertising Penile Extensions, which, curiously, had not been deleted, we found evidence of various interviews the Internet Overlord had attended in his 212 years. Here are some of the better ones:

To: Glenn Reynolds (Evil_Internet_Overlord@TotalDomination.Com)
From: HR@Microsoft.com
Re: Job Application

Dear Sir,

As I am sure you are aware, we here at Microsoft are always looking for talented individuals who bring something unique to the company. Upon reviewing your résumé and choice of role, that of CEO of Microsoft, I regret to inform you that whilst your application was certainly unique, it failed utterly to convey any talent what-so-ever. Whereas we can appreciate how, upon cursory reading,” megalomaniac” COULD be confused with being CEO we do not feel that ‘encouraging employees to participate in Black Mass’ could be construed as promoting a better working environment…..

To: Glenn the Compassionate (Solutions_For_The_Homeless@Reynolds.com)
From: Jobs@Amnesty.International.Com
Re: Voluntary Work

Thank you for your interest in our cause. However we do feel that you may have misinterpreted the nature of ‘solving the homeless problem’ and we urge you to seek immediate psychiatric help.

To: Professor Penguin Reynolds (Cuddly_Cute_Penguin@Feathery.com)
From: Security@MemphisZoo.com
Re: Position of zookeeper – aquatic birds division

We were most intrigued by your interview technique. Your extensive and exhaustive knowledge of the most intimate behaviour of every sub-species of penguin was startling and somewhat disturbing. We have passed the tape onto the relevant authorities….

To: Stylish Glenn (Socks_and_sandals_rule@fashion.reynolds.com)
From: GQ Magazine
Re: Editorial Application

The position of editor requires an understanding of sartorial elegance as well as a finger on the pulse of current fashion. During the first interview we admit to having high hopes as we felt that the combination of top hat, opera cloak along with socks and sandals could have represented a radical new fashion direction. The second interview confirmed our worst fears – white sneakers with black jeans showed that not only do you not have your finger on the pulse of fashion you have neither fingers nor pulse…..

To: Lawyer (vile_despicable_fiend@instapundit.com)
From: Harvey Olson
Re: Job Application

I am sure that your contributions to the Human Resources department would be interesting to say the least. However this bank deals in money and NOT in blood. After no consideration what-so-ever I have rejected your application utterly. Might I add that referring to a prospective employer as "Currency Freak" in your e-mail did not help your application.

To: Knocking Glenn (Doorbells_are_stupid@runaway.com)
From: No Way! Products (Increase_your_sales@Noway.com)
Re: Improving your earning potential

Following your trial period selling No Way! products door-to-door we regret to inform you that you have failed to earn a single cent in commission thus far. We would advise you that in order to increase your sales figures, you actually have to remain AT the door rather than running away or gliding off on your Moped…..

To: Glenn Affleck (Lord_of_the_Underworld@EGIStarFinders.com)
From: Casting@universalstudios.com
Re: Lead Role in remake of Dracula

We were thrilled with your screen test! You really brought the character to life. Despite the limited time in wardrobe and make-up available, you were able to recreate the look perfectly. However this movie does involve a certain amount of time doing daylight shooting and our Insurers for this picture are refusing to cover the eventuality of you turning to dust, as was indicated as you fled the set in the early hours....

The following two emails contained good news for the Instapundit!

To: Darth Glenn the Unmerciful (HarvardAlumni@Leeches.com)
From: Litigation.or.death@moneyfornothing.com
Re: Partnership

As one of the United States most successful law firms, we had to make several background checks following your interview as was indicated to you upon applying. Having checked The Alliance website for details of any nefarious practices you may be involved in, I am pleased to say that you have all of the qualities we are looking for! Given this information, we would be delighted to offer you a full partnership. Congratulations!

To: Head Chef Glenn (Puppies.Taste.Sweet@Blendthem.com)
From: Hr@YipWhirrSipSouthKoreanDeli.com
Re: Senior Chef Vacancy

Honourable Glenn,

Thank you so much for your application. We were delighted to interview someone with such a complete understanding of the more adventurous side of our cuisine. The kitchen devices and new recipes were astounding! We have no hesitation in offering you the position of Head Chef. We look forward to seeing you again!

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Friday, May 21, 2004

Evil Glenn’s Children – A Filthy Lie

Late the other night, when I was sitting at the computer researching what Evil Glenn might call his children I was disturbed by a knock at the door. I was somewhat surprised as I was not expecting any visitors. I opened the door a little and there, resplendent in Top Hat, Opera Cloak with Socks and Sandals lurked the Internet Overlord himself! He looked weary.

“What do YOU want?” I asked in a trembling voice

“I heard about the latest puny Alliance assignment. I tire of these Pathetic Filthy Lies and their uncanny ability to hit on the truth without realising it.” Pausing, he took a drink out of a hip flask which seemed to restore his flagging energy. “I thought that, as a semi-enlisted member of the Alliance, I should show you the real story. That way you can make up your own mind. Indeed.” He peered over my shoulder, looking around. “May I come in?”

“How did you get my address?”, I said warily.

“Oh I’m often in the neighbourhood. Despite my advanced age, I still find it highly amusing to knock on doors and run away. Elderly people with hip replacements and lots of stairs to get down are my prey of choice….but busy mothers are also fun. I regularly enjoy making frightening shapes outside your daughter’s bedroom window ten minutes after your own bedroom light has gone out “

“So YOU’RE the reason she’s an only child, you sick degenerate…”

“That’s Lawyer to you.”

“Look… Mr Capricious will be back soon after midnight from his Vampire Hunting so you had better make this quick.”

Reaching inside of his cloak, Evil Glenn produced a video cassette. “Are you SURE I cannot come in? You might want to see what’s on this.”

“No you can’t! A video? Not some of your penguin porn ? I’m not falling for that one either.” I thought for a moment. “Wait here.”

With some effort I moved the TV and the VCR into the hallway. Checking to make sure Glenn had not spotted our new puppy (he was busy with what looked like a battery powered blender) I set it up so that I could view the tape and watch him at the same time.

“I’d offer you a seat, but…”
“I understand. Not to worry. I brought my Travel-Throne .It has a built-in laptop so I can keep posting wherever I am…”
I was beginning to get impatient.

“Hand it over then.” He gave me the contents of the blender. “Ugh! No, the tape please.” Carefully he passed it to me. I slotted it into VCR and pressed ‘Play’. A few seconds of disturbing arctic waterfowl images were replaced with a dark, grainy picture.

“Sorry about the quality. I forget that mere mortals have no night-vision.”

The screen crackled into life. From the gloom emerged a Crypt, heavy with shadow, the only light being provided by tall black candles. In the centre of the room, within a huge pentagram was a circular birthing pool filled with the blackest ice. A young woman within the pool was moaning in obvious discomfort. The camera panned away and there sat Evil Glenn tapping away on an archaic laptop.

“What in God’s name is this?” I gasped

“It’s the InstaTwins birth video!” he answered proudly, beaming from ear to ear.

“It’s WHAT?”

“Well, when you’re born of a jackal like me, it’s nice to have a record of your own kids entry into the world. Besides, I was busy building my Evil Empire at the time"

“You’re related to HIM?”

“Indeed. And those aren’t just his fox-hounds” he chuckled evilly.

“Twins you say? And their names are…?”

“All in good time…” Glenn gestured back to the screen.

I looked back to the film. The camera had gone back to the woman. “PLEASE stop posting Glenn”, moaned the InstaWife. “I need some drugs here for God’s sake!”

”Heh. I gave you enough of those to get you to the altar in the first place. Here, have some of my high energy drink. 100% natural ingredients!” Tap… tap… tap… “Speaking of altars, hurry it up! I am missing Black Mass and it is getting to the best part where…”

A moan from the InstaWife bought the camera back round. “Glenn!! I think they’re coming…”

“Shush… my dial-up connection is about to time out. Do you have any idea of the strings I had to pull to get internet access here?"

Then the screen went blank. The tape had ended. I was numb with horror. “So Glenn,” I asked in a shaking voice “The names? Just tell me! It’s getting late, I’m tired and you did say you wanted to help.”

“Indeed! Gone midnight I believe…” he cackled maliciously.

He had tricked me! I had missed the deadline! I looked round but he had gone, vanished into the night. The fiend had taken my puppy too! Looking out into the darkness I could see no sign of him. Even the video had combusted, leaving no trace. I slammed the door and raged at him. "You FOUL INHUMAN..."

I could hear him shout “LAWYER”, as he clattered my elderly neighbour’s letterbox and ran off laughing...

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Thursday, May 20, 2004

Pop Idol Exposé

I know you have American Idol in The States, but in the beginning there was POP IDOL! It sorted out the men from the boys let me tell you. Or did it? New compelling evidence of atrocities FAR worse than Iraqi prisoner pictures have been unearthed. Here is a picture of the third placed contestant, one Darius Danesh, attempting to bias the judges decision, and that of a 6 year old girl he had invited onto the stage in an attempt to win hearts and minds. Or something else...

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Monday, May 17, 2004

My Wonderful Husband

Today was a "food-tasting" day at our daughter's pre-school. I went to pick her up and nearly fell over laughing at what her father had written on the list of "dislikes" that was displayed for parents to fill in:

1. Authority
2. Onions

I bet the pre-school workers had a wry chuckle at that. I must say, they're very diplomatic in describing her as "strong-willed"...

Recently I ran into a couple I hadn't seen for years. I enquired if they had any children themselves and their answer was perfection:

"No, We have a tidy house and money to make it look nice instead"

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Saturday, May 15, 2004

Evil Is Here That Does Not Sleep!

I recently saw a hay-fever medicine for children that is apparently "new and improved...now with non-drowsiness ". Does anyone know where the original version can be obtained?


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Monday, May 10, 2004

A Filthy Lie

The Evil Glenn Fed-Ex Package

To: Evil Glenn Dark Lord of the Blogosphere
Castle Glenn
Black Ice Mountain

From: Amazon.Com

Order #: 000666

Delivery Notes

Driver must not linger outside of the Gates of Blackest Ice for fear of the Attack Rabbits lurking within. Driver must NOT look like a Hobo. Delivery MUST be signed for in blood (Hobo provided). Make receipt out to Evil Glenn Industries (a subsidiary of Evil Glenn Dark Internet Overlord Holdings LLC). Delivery driver should not be called either Frank or Harvey for fear of loss of driver (again).

1 x The South Korean Cookbook (ring bound, laminated, wipeable)

1 x The Necronomicon (pocket edition)

1 x Puppy Farming for Beginners (with free video guide)

1 x Love in a Cold Climate (illustrated, Penguin skin cover)

1 x The Hilary Clinton Illustrated Biography (large print)

1 x Arctic Waterfowl in Living Color (stain resistant)

1 x Arctic Waterfowl 3d Illustrated Pop-up edition (wipeable)

1 x Satanic Rituals for Practical Home Use (includes free goat and pentagram)

1 x DVD: The Littlest Hobo Series 1 (Evil Glenn Studios Limited Edition)

1 x DVD: The Eighties Dance Crazes – Robot & Breakdance Edition (includes free white head sweatband)

1 x Which? Kitchen Knife

1 x I Mao (Large Print red edition)

1 x Footwear throughout the ages – sandals edition

100 x Black Candles

That Cookbook looks good, particularly since THIS recipe lacks a most essential ingredient! I hope” I Mao” is indeed a guide to Commie Praising and nothing to do with that pesky Frank J! As for the novel, mmmm…..Well worth the money… Perhaps I can persuade the Instawife to read it aloud wearing the special lingerie I …ahem…procured for Valentine’s Day… Still all this reading and viewing material for my pleasure, erm, research purposes will keep me occupied enough to only make 3000 posts an hour now. Indeed. Off to the reading chamber on my Moped then. (Shooooooom. Yip Yip Yip. Slurp.)

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